Reaching the Shore

Part 4

"Hey"
I'm one step away from throwing myself when a voice stops me.
I turn and look at the face in front of me in confusion.
"It's dangerous to be there, move."
He watches me and probably notices the fact that I'm shaking, he looks at me confused, and even though I can't see his face I know he's looking at me with a confused and worried look.
"Are you ok?" he asks me.
I remain silent, tired, immobile, I observe him while he speaks without even really listening to his words, waiting for him to go away.
And in this moment it's as if I'm looking at myself from above, and I see the usual me, pathetic, empty and full of pain, it's as if inside I'm catching fire, I see myself and I'm stuck on the margins, one step away from death , from freedom, and I'm strange, I'm very strange and I don't recognize myself, what I see, the me I see is so different, she disgusts me and she doesn't seem to be me, she's one step away from death but she already seems to be, she already seems to be dead.
I don't recognize myself, I don't recognize myself to the point that it scares me.
The water will turn everything off, it will stop my thoughts, the fire inside me , my pain, the water will save me, it will take me to shore, I think.
I stumble .
The boy comes closer.
"No, don't come closer." I tell him, raising my hands.
In his eyes I most likely seem like a stupid, pathetic and strange person but I don't care.
Because the water will also eliminate other people's opinions about me, and the pain I feel from these opinions will no longer exist.
One small step, another.
"Don't do it, please, it's not a solution, listen I don't know you, I don't know what you're going through but I assure you it's not a solution"
I turn around, I have to only take another step and it's done.
"People care, if you go you will hurt them too, if not for yourself, do it for them, please stop!"
"What if I don't have anyone?" I turn to him with a trembling voice.
"And if they're all gone, and if they don't give a damn about me? Why should I care?"
I look at my cold hands shaking trying to make them stop.
"You said you didn't know me, you tried, well done, and thanks, but now please go away."
I turn away ignoring him.
I take a deep breath, look at the stars one last time and feel ready.
The last step, the last step that I don't take, the last step that remains unfinished because of a stupid boy I don't even know.
I'm down, we're both down.
He still holds my arm and I look at him with a mix of feelings inside that I can't identify.
"Why ?" I scream, I scream loudly, and strangely, finally, I cry.
Tears run down my cheeks.
"I want to leave," I continue.
"I want all this to end, I don't want to be alone anymore."
"Why!" I scream louder.
He doesn't say anything.
I don't know him and I don't understand what he's doing here, I hate him, I don't understand why he stopped me, why worry so much about a stranger, I don't understand.
He approaches, continuing to stand in silence while I look at him angrily.
He comes over and hugs me.
I cry and calm down, my hands are tense, I am irritated, I feel anger and at the same time relief and peace.
He holds me close, it's a hug that doesn't feel like it's between two strangers.
I cry, and my eyes burn, my cheeks get wet, and inside me the fire decreases , I feel less full, less suffocated, I cry and I realize that perhaps the waves, the water that would have calmed me was this, it is this.
After minutes I pull away from him.
" Thank you ." I say in a low voice, wiping my eyes and sniffling.
I'm breathing heavily, I'm sobbing and I look like a stupid little girl, and I hate being like this, weak, I hate showing myself like this, especially in front of strangers.
I feel better, maybe, but it would have been better if he wasn't here, if I had dived, if I were now at the bottom of the sea, on the shore, in the other place, with them, it would be better if I weren't there now but at the same time I'm happy I didn't do it, that I was stopped.
And I would try again, alone, when there is no one to stop me, but I'm afraid, because I'm afraid I've used all my courage, that I won't be able to try again, to wait until tomorrow, I'm afraid that maybe the ocean won't let me , doesn't want, that they don't want me, that I won't want it anymore.
Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic, pathetic, pathetic, Ayla you are so pathetic.
It keeps ringing in my head and I feel more and more pathetic.
I take my bag from the bench, and try to walk without staggering, and without falling due to the tears that blur my vision.
I get to the car, get in, put my bag down and put my head on the steering wheel.
I try in vain to erase the last ten minutes from my head.
I have never felt more stupid or pathetic than I do now, and I would like to bury myself.
I would like to go back in time and avoid everything.
"Hey" someone knocks on the window.
I raise my head, him again.
I roll down the window.
"You can't drive in this state, your hands are shaking, and you're not yourself."
I ignore it.
I start the car.
"You risk having an accident and killing someone in these conditions, if you don't care about your life, okay, but not everyone on the street is suicidal," he tells me, lowering himself from the window and turning to leave.
"I'm not suicidal" I yell at him angrily and get out.
"No? And what did you want to do before?" he asks.
"I just wanted to dive in."
He smiles ironically.
"And what do you care? You don't know me. It's stupid of you."
"I believe any human being with a heart and brain would have done it, I did what I could because I had to."
I remain silent, observe my hands, and hide them in the pockets of my coat.
"Do you want me to call you a taxi?" he then asks.
I shake my head.
"I can't leave my car here."
I don't want to come back here tomorrow, alone.
He looks at me and I know from his look that inside he is judging me.
"I need it tomorrow morning and it's been here since yesterday" I explain.
Silence.
"And it's better if I stay away from here for a while," I continue but more silence.
"Give me the keys, I'll drive." he snorts after thinking about it, coming towards me.
"I don't get into cars with strangers and above all I don't let strangers drive my car" I say with arms crossed.
"Then I'll call you a taxi or you can go alone" he turns to leave again.
"No, wait, okay okay" I give up, I throw him the keys and we both get in.
During the journey we remain silent, in a long and embarrassing silence.
His phone rings.
"Hey man, where are you?" a voice asks.
"I'm busy now Mike, I'll be late" he replies and hangs up.
He's a strange guy.
I only look at his face now that we're in the car.
He has fairly long light brown hair that falls on his forehead divided in two, eyes of a color that I can't understand but which seem to be light, he is tall, very tall, he seems like a serious, tidy person, the typical perfect rich boy, one of those who lives in nice neighborhoods, I can feel it, you can see it in the way he dresses and moves.
He is wearing a dark blue sweater, it looks like an expensive sweater, made of good fabric, black trousers, and a black jacket, with white shoes on his feet. It's too tidy.
And he is also silent and the scene is very strange.
I'm in my car with a stranger driving who just stopped me from jumping into the water.
I feel a strange sense of shame, it's as if I've been caught committing a stupid crime, I often feel pathetic, but I've never felt pathetic to this level.
"Are you better?" he asks.
I nod, looking out at the street.
"I'm not very convinced, and to be honest I wouldn't want to leave you alone, I don't think you're okay, and I wouldn't want you to do anything to youself." he says and I ignore him.
"Don't you have a friend to go to? Someone who can stay with you at least for this night?"
Silence.
"Do you have any relatives, any companions or colleagues?" he keep asking.
"hey, can you hear me? I'm talking to you."  from his voice he seems to have become irritated.
"No, I don't have anyone, and don't worry, I'm not going to do anything, it was stupid before, I wasn't myself ok?" I scream finally taking my eyes off the window and turning towards him.
"As you like." is the last thing he says before we arrive.
We get out of the car and he hands me the keys.
"Thank you for everything" I pronounce in a low voice.
"Not problem."
I turn to go towards my house.
He follows me.
"Can I know your name." he asks.
I look at him confused, I don't understand why he wants to know my name now.
"Ayla, Ayla Demir." I say as I look for the keys to open the door.
"Nice name, good night Ayla." he says strangely, with a smile and turns to walk away.
I open the door but stop, I turn towards him who has just stopped a taxi.
"And what's your name?" I shout to be heard from the other side of the street.
He smiles shaking his head.
"Rafe Cameron" he shouts and gets into his car and drives away.