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you

Dear Lexy,

I love you.

And I realized it the day before you killed yourself.

The day when you gave me that smile.

That smile that showed everything wrong going on.

You don't take the bus, so in that particular Friday, when you stepped up on that rusty old bus that always leave late, it got me worried. But then, what was to worry about?

Everything it seems now.

The last straw, I guess, was when the student body organization-- which is you guys-- needed to go to town to get the director's signature for the upcoming ball. I heard that you were supposed to go with your "friends" but then they left you the moment their last period finished. You caught up with them on the front gate and called each their names but no one looked back-- you were still stuck on some follow up papers. At the mere thought of it had my heart breaking, so I wonder what happened to yours when you see the back of their heads heading out of the school, some tilting to your way but never fully facing you.

One of those people told me this.

I punched his face.

So back to the bus.

You sat at the back seat because the front and middle are already occupied. I saw you when the bus I'm in stopped beside yours. You rested your forehead on the glass, your breath fogging it up, and that's when you saw me.

My heart shattered at the sight of you.

Especially at the blood stained handkerchief wrapped on your arm.

My instinct told me to go to you, or at least make sure that you're okay... but I didn't.

We stared at each other for a moment and that's when my brain suddenly screamed out to you those three words. But my mouth uttered not a single letter.

You smiled at me, a smile that didn't crinkle the side of your eyes but a smile that raised your eyebrows as a way of saying 'Well, this is goodbye.' and I thought that you weren't going to do it. I was sure that you weren't going to risk it so I stayed there, looked straight at you without any emotions on my face while my brain is going nuts over you.

You looked down when you realized I wasn't going to do anything.

And up till now, I wish I did.

I wish I told you I love you.

I wish I told you that everything's going to be alright.

I wish I told you everything.

Calvin