The Easiest Target

Proved Me Wrong

It's quiet. Just a faint psst and hsss every other second. Footsteps and wheels passing by. Murmurs of voices busy with work and gossip. I clench my fists, slowly drawing in a breath, too tired to do more. Next time. I'll try again next time.

***

"...eat something!"

I pry my eyelashes apart and groggily watch Dr. Kinsley and Kate force Toki to hold onto a sandwich out in the hall. Toki's so gray and listless. Kate brings the sandwich to her brother's lips but Tokyo turns away. His dad gives him an injection and walks away without even bandaging it up. Kate lectures and ridicules him for being a loser. She shoves the sandwich at his mouth and lets it fall apart all over him. Toki doesn't move an inch even when she's gone. I take a breath to call him but my voice is just a whisper.

I move the blankets off, push myself upright and smack into the ground so hard and fast I don't know what happened. I just know Toki's there in an instant, gathering my body in his arms. My head dangles back over his arm and I rasp for air, tears blurring my vision.

That hurt so bad. I taste blood in my mouth. I grunt and grit my teeth through the pain, trying ... trying to move.

"T-Toki .... Toki ... I can't move my legs," I wheeze.

His face twists up in misery and he buries his face in my hair. "Toki ...?" I whimper. Then it strikes me: I'm not hurting in my legs. "I can't feel my legs...."

He holds me tighter, his chest rattling against my shoulder. I touch my bare knee, tug at the skin. I throw my head back and let out a wail, pulling at his shirt. "I can't feel my legs," I cry. "I can't feel my legs! I can't feel my legs!"

"Hadeel," Toki says shakily, holding me tighter. "Please. I'm right here. I'm right here."

I pull at his collar and crane my body back, trying to force some sort of movement, screaming and crying until his dad and nurses come running in. I smack their hands away, everything a violent blur until I splash something with my hand. I look down at the yellow liquid spreading out beneath me. I try to touch it again and Tokyo gently takes my wrist to stop me.

I just wet myself ... and I didn't feel it.

***

The next time I wake up, I'm alone in some large bedroom. There's no sound of machines or gossip out in the halls. No rolling carts or beeping alarms. No footsteps. Nothing. Just the sound of my own heartbeat ready to burst from my chest. Tears well in my eyes as I pinch my thighs, the reality setting in clearly.

"Oh, you're up," a bubbly black woman says as she walks in.

I stop pinching myself and swallow my tears. She's in a nurse's outfit. Her name is Beckley. She was brought in to be my personal at-home maid to take care of me until I no longer need her. "Where's Toki?" I ask.

She blinks at me in confusion. "Is that someone you know?"

"Who hired you?"

"I'm not sure about the details, honey. The hospital just sent me," she says sympathetically. "If you have Toki's number, you can borrow my phone to call," she offers it to me.

I turn away, blinking back a new wave of sorrow. I don't know his number. I don't know if it would be good for me to even contact him like this. But I find out from Beckley that ... I've been out of it for three months. I missed Ramadan. And two Eids. And graduation. Not just that but even my own body feels so foreign. I've somehow put on weight and grown body hair and breasts. Someone chopped my hair shoulder length. My legs no longer function. And ... I get my first period and don't even know it until Beckley gets me into a wheelchair for a bath the next day.