Lost Me

003

Seungmin is about to lose his damn mind.

They've been cooped up in the hospital for close to four hours now, and still no news on how the leader is doing.

It's enough to drive anyone mad.

Minho shifts in the seat next to him, and Seungmin cuts him a worried glance. The two current eldest members have him concerned.

Changbin is holding everything in, doing his best to plaster a smile over the pain glimmering in his eyes, comforting Felix and Jeongin as best he can despite the evident weariness that looms over him like a cloud, despite the exhaustion that still lingers over him after trying his best to resuscitate the leader.

Minho, on the other hand, hasn't said a word since they first arrived, save to haltingly explain that they had taken Chan back for emergency surgery, and he didn't know when they would be able to see the leader. He has shut down, lost in his own head for the entirety of the time, barely even glancing up as their managers filed in and announced that they are going on hiatus until the leader is recovered.

Everyone is silent, too wrapped up in their own thoughts, trying to process the horror of the past few hours.

It's surreal.

Seungmin still can't fathom it.

Chan had a heart attack, brought on by stress, too much exertion, too much caffeine, too little nutrition, too little sleep.

Too much, too little.

It's not his fault. Seungmin knows that. But he also knows that if he had just... paid better attention to the leader, if they all had kept a closer eye on him, none of this would have happened.

It's not anyone's fault.

But it sure as hell feels like it's theirs.

He's dragged out of his thoughts by Hyunjin, who meets his eyes, forcing a soft smile. Seungmin swallows, forcing the tears back, out of his eyes.

Hyunjin says nothing, merely pulls him close, the simple contact saying more than words ever could.

Seungmin gives up holding everything in. It's too much. He breaks, shattering into pieces as he sobs, tears pouring down his face, soaking Hyunjin's shirt. He tries to pull away, scrubbing harshly at his face, but Hyunjin merely holds him tighter.

"It's okay, Minnie. You don't have to hold it all in."

Seungmin can't fight, can't argue, can't scream that it's unfair, why does he get to cry when everyone else is clearly suffering? But he can't manage words, can't do much of anything other than cry.

He gives up, sinking into Hyunjin's arms, sobs ripping from his throat. It's not their fault. It's not their fault, but it is, because they should've noticed, they should've done something, so why didn't they?

His thoughts are a vicious cycle, pulling him in and drowning him.

Someone else wraps their arms around him, and he manages to crane his head to meet Jeongin's eyes, face tear-stained and drawn. The maknae pulls him close, clutching him like he could disappear. Although after seeing Chan collapse earlier (was it only five hours ago? It feels like it has been an eternity since), the vocalist has to admit that it feels like any one of them could vanish at any given moment.