Lost Me

004

Chan feels like shit.

He supposes he looks like shit, if the way Felix burst into tears and practically threw himself on top of him is anything to go by.

They are gone now, Hyunjin explaining that Minho didn't think he could see Chan with the others there. Chan's heart sank at that, but he understands.

The second eldest is emotional, despite what people may think. He has just become adept at hiding those emotions, taking the role of the second eldest to mean that he has to be dependable and there for the younger members,suppressing his own emotions in the process. Chan has wanted to talk to the younger about it for a while now, but how can he without seeming like a hypocrite?

The others have always been on Chan practising what he preaches, something he rarely does, truth be told. Although he supposes now he'll have to get better at that now.

He still can't quite wrap his head around it.

He almost died.

He had a heart attack, and is lucky to be alive, according to the doctors. Something about malnutrition, dehydration, and he's lucky his body lasted this long with him pushing it as hard as he does.

It's surreal.

Their manager explained that Changbin and Minho were the ones who first attempted to resuscitate him, a thought that has been nibbling away at his brain ever since then.

Everything he has done has been in an effort to not be a burden for the others. But this... all of his efforts just landed him in the hospital. The guilt is almost overwhelming, a weight pressing down on his chest, a reminder that he should have just listened to the others- if he had, he probably wouldn't be here now.

The silence is becoming too loud, too overwhelming, too much. He needs something to distract him.

As if on cue, Seungmin steps through the door, clutching Minho's hand, leading him into the room.

A tired smile breaks over Chan's face, and he has to fight back the tears that threaten to overtake him at the sight of the two.

He is so fucking thankful that they are here, both of them.

If he is being honest, he was scared- no, terrified- that they wouldn't come, that Hyunjin's explanation was just an excuse to let Minho and Seungmin not visit him.

Both of their faces look much like the others did: tearstained and pale, eyes red and puffy. They look like they have been through hell.

Chan thinks he understands. He does.

If he saw one of the others collapsed on the floor, lifeless, he would still be practically catatonic.

But it's not one of the others.

It's just him.

He doesn't dwell on it for too long. He can't, because Seungmin gently picks up his hand, bringing him back to reality.

Right.

Minho and Seungmin are here.

They are here, he isn't alone, he has to be (slightly) functional.