short stories

To be or not to be

so i wrote this short-story last year for the BNZ literacy awards. it didn't place but i really liked it so here you go :)

She has to hide herself. She lingers in the shadows and strays from the light. To show herself would be to reveal who she pretends to be. To proclaim herself as a fake, Fraud, hoax. She hides herself behind a mass of makeup, pretty clothes and plastic smiles. She attacks with words to get to the top, just to hide her fear of falling to the bottom. She keeps her heart in a cage and throws away the key, seals her mind away and only uses her lips to convey the thoughts around her. The eyes are the windows to the soul, yet hers are shuttered and closed off, revealing not what is under the cloak, but above the hood.

On the outside, she continues to smile, continues to immerse herself in the cult of teenage oppression. But on the inside, the dark shadows threaten to overtake her. To suck her into the deep vortex that she can barely begin to comprehend. Her sleeves cover the scars lining her wrists, and her mask hides the pain she grips inside. Everything threatens to swallow her, to drown her and take the life out of the once carefree girl. Eyes follow her round, stalking, preying on her. Lips pass words that even vile creatures wouldn't dream of saying. They attack her with names that they deem her worthy of. She prays to whoever listens, begs for the release the gleaming metallic razor offers. On goes more makeup, shorter clothes. She begins to immerse herself in the act of consumption. Alcohol. Medication. Drugs. Anything to take the hurt away, to dull her life away to a pinpoint.

Days continue the same way. No one seems to be listening to the cries her body and eyes send out. No one reaches for her and no one takes notice of the way her clothes hang. No one sees the bags hidden by beauty products. Her friends turn against her like a pack of wolves, hungry and bloodthirsty. Her parents fail to see the signs she sends, fail to take note of the decreasing state of sanity in her eyes. She is alone, and even books can't take the pain away for long. She can't seem to explain what is happening to her. Every time she has time to think, the names come back to haunt her. Why is she feeling so much suffering and agony? So much pain and depression. She should be happy, calm, naïve and innocent.

Her façade starts to wear off. Her grip on who she is no longer exists. Voices whisper in her ear, enticing and luring her into dangerous temptations. Her world is lost to her, like she is drowning in a dark fog. She tries to push to the surface, to rise and take the first breath of clean air. But the fog swallows her, possesses her into something else. Someone else. It all seems to much the same to her. Too much like the stories she hears on the news. Girls and guys her age slicing their wrists too much or the noose rope around their neck, pulling them from the world she suffers in today. She never thought on stories like those, that her life would be similar to those poor, unfortunate kids. She used to tell herself she would never stoop that low. Never hurt herself or take away her soul to escape her pain. But look at how hypocritical she was being. She used to be disgusted at how those kids her age could do something like that, yet now, even she is participating in the same deed. 'It's not the same' she would say, just to ease the slowly building guilt inside. But even she was lying to herself. It was the same. She was on the same road as all the other girls and boys that had decided to leave, to lose themselves as well as their loved ones. Now she was also choosing to be or not to be. To try and fight or give up and surrender. She no longer see's the world, but rather floats through it, missing out on the important processes of life itself.

There were no more tears she could cry. No more words she could console herself with. Every bit of fight she had in her had diminished. Her parents only started to notice the physical changes to her. The way she cut her hair, short, spiky and dyed black. Her pale body, skinny and weak. They stared at her with confused, mildly interested eyes. They didn't notice that her eyes constantly took a dead look to them. Never saw just how broken and damaged she really was. Everyone thought it was just because of bullying, the act everyone blames everything on. But what was happening to her was much more sinister. Black fog was consuming her soul, damaging her mind beyond the point of return. She tried to fight, tried to defend herself against it all.

But she snapped. It was the day where she couldn't take it anymore. The day the names and catcalls and lingering hands finally pushed through her walls and crumbled her will. She walked home, and no one ever thought that the next day she would be in the newspaper, scrawled on the front page. No one thought that the happy, carefree girl would wish for an escape when everyone saw her life as near perfect. She walks home and the tears well up and spill over, hitting the pavement in slow drops. She can hear the strangers across the street, yelling out things that a 16 year old girl shouldn't be hearing her way. She continues to cry, even when she gets home. Her feet drag her upstairs, into the bathroom. She was alone now, and not just physically. She had never felt more alone than right now, locking herself in the bathroom, lights off. The only source was the window, shining light in a murky, ghostly way. Her hands shake as she runs the bathtub, the water splashing around and steaming. She turns to the vanity, and sees her only friend, gleaming in the light. She reaches for it, seeking the escape and comfort it brings. Seeking the only happiness she will get for years.

The pain is minimum, and the red blood spills over her arm, down onto the floor. The colour is vibrant and bright, and she smiles at it. She stands in the water, the heat relaxing her muscles as she lowers herself down. The water stings and she cries out. She wipes her tears away, looking up at the ceiling with a hopeful expression. She can hear her parents calling her name, and bounding up the stairs. They found the note, she smiles. Their fists on the door and frantic voices do nothing to her, as she murmurs her goodbyes.

Water consumes her and she smiles.

She had nothing, but now her life has never felt fuller. All she feels is light, and the colours before her dance like bright shadows. She feels as free as a bird, as calm and gentle as a butterfly. She could feel herself smiling, and all she could hear was music. She had done it. She finally got her one wish, finally got what she deserved the most.

Peace.