Lacrymose

Divenire

Jace is still asleep when she startles out of sleep, feeling the soft prickle of eyes staring at her and her emerald gaze settles on a dark-haired figure in the doorway. Her eyes are blurry with sleep and she winces as she drags herself into a sitting position, gazing blearily at the figure in the doorway and blinking in shock when she see's Simon there. She'd forgotten that he was in the city- out of the Gard anyway.

He was watching her with dark eyes- it was still a shock to see those eyes free from behind the thick framed glasses he'd worn for so many years. He was so different- his posture had lost his trademark awkwardness and his very presence almost demanded respect- and she often caught herself, thinking she knew him.

But she hardly knows anything about him anymore.

His eyes are following the curve of her shoulders, dark bruises trailing down the slope like dying flowers, purple and green and yellow in the morning light. And his face twists in something like regret and grief and rage. Simon has never been one for strong emotions- not visibly anyway. But these are so raw, so close to the surface that it's almost... terrifying to see that strength fade from him.

He sits on the edge the bed, his fingers gripping tightly to the sheets as though to anchor himself. And there are tears on his lashes, pooling into the corners of his eyes and she can see his shoulders shake, just fractionally. She wants to comfort him but her skin prickles at the thought of touch. She knows he will not hurt her- but there's a fire under her skin that burns at the touch and she will never allow herself to be consumed, never again.

And his hand is on her shoulder, just soft and gentle but it's like a branding iron or cherry-white metal in her bones and she cannot contain the shudder that runs through her. He flinches back, hand wavering in the air and she catches it before he can pull away, winding her fingers through his and ignores the cold settled within his very bones.

We sit there, silent and waiting for something and neither of us know what. It's cold in the air and my stitches ache and my heart is cold and icy and dead.

"Clary..."

His voice breaks the silence- no, it shatters it and she hadn't expected it and she watches him as he begins to talk. "I've known you for years- I know you. I've loved you for years and I always will, you're my best friend and I won't give up on you now. I know you're holding up. I know you're staying strong because you're trying not to hurt anyone. But... I-I'm here. You've always told me the dark stuff- can you trust me just one more time?"

And before she even knows it, she's crying and her eyes don't seem to be able to leave his gaze, the understanding there shattering whatever has held her back.

"I'm broken, Simon. I'm not worth anything anymore, not worth the pain you're all feeling from my pain, my stupid naive trust...I brought this down on myself and I'm so afraid Simon... Because I can't shake the memories. Of dark eyes and possessive hands that reached and tore and defiled everything they touch. And he hurt me Simon. It was beyond anything I've ever known and I can't remember it. I can feel it there, tiny little parts that come back but I'm going to go insane. And I hate myself. Because part of me enjoyed it! A sick little twisted part of me found pleasure in what he did to me and I can't ever take that back. And Jace..."

She paused here, looking down at where her brother lay sleeping and ran a hand down his face as gently and softly as I could. "He's so beautiful and I love him, Simon. I love him so much it hurts, because I fell in love with the wrong person and he doesn't deserve to have to watch me go through this! I just... I wish I was allowed to love him... But I'm a depraved girl. What kind of girl loves her brother like this?" Her voice breaks then, shattered and young and Simon can still see the eyes of the little girl he'd befriended so long ago. But he folds her into his arms, hugging her tightly but gently, avoiding the worst of the wounds and just holds her as she cries. And Simon meets the tortured gaze of Jace Wayland-Morgenstern and somewhere in those deep gold eyes, Simon knows that her words mean everything to him.