New Believers Of God

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

Just a week earlier, Holly was running away from me. Now, all that remained of her presence was words on a marble wall. Never again would I hear her sweet, cheerful voice, and the powerful lectures she would give with it.

I watched as the nametag was ripped off her locker in school, and was distracted by her empty chair at CCD. A roadside memorial was also made at the site where she died.

Later that week, the Thursday after her funeral, was the last Hangin' In of the year. But I had no plans to go. I had already missed the last GLOW, and hadn't spoken a word to the guys since then either. I was mad at both them for making me turn against her, and also myself for giving into them.

I laid on my bed all afternoon after getting home, holding my rosary beads, one of the only things I had to remember her by.

I began thinking back to the day she gave them to me.

"I got some extra ones for you." she had said "You can keep them."

She really cared about me. Why did I hurt her like that?

Eventually, I got up and went over to my dresser. Sitting on top of it was my bible, necklace, and purity ring.

I set the beads down and picked up the ring, then thought about what she said on that day.

"I mean as long as we wear these rings," she had said "We stay true to our word and never break it. Not just with this but with everything else."

I realized right then that I had done the exact opposite of that. I had broken my word in the worst possible way, and because of that, Holly died hating me.

"I hate you Cole." she had told me "I hate you so much!"

That was the last thing I would ever hear her say.

I then set the ring down and picked up my necklace, thinking about something completely different now.

This man on the front was considered our savior. Who everyone said could heal the sick and raise the dead. If that was really the case, then why wasn't he there for Holly? How could he not save her? It was his job to let her live and he didn't. What kind of savior is that?

Overcome with anger, I threw it at the wall, and the Jesus piece broke off before falling to the floor.

I couldn't be in that room any longer. I just had to get out.

I headed outside to my backyard and started running through the field until reaching the nearby playground, which was surprisingly vacant. After getting there, I climbed inside one of the slides and tried to calm down.

How was I supposed to believe there even was a God in a situation like this? How was I supposed to believe there was a heaven either? What if when you died, you just sat in pitch black forever. I couldn't bear to think that's where Holly was right then. I would never forgive myself for that.

Suddenly, I saw somebody standing outside the slide.

"Cole?" they said, which I quickly realized was Shane.

"I know you're in there." he added "Can you please come out?"

I hesitated for a second, not really wanting to talk, especially to him. But eventually, I relented.

"What do you want?" I asked him.

He took a deep breath before replying.

"I'm so sorry about Holly." he answered "I know she meant a lot to you, and I feel bad about what happened. We all do."

I didn't want to cry in front of him. Not only did I fear that if I did, he would too, but also because I wanted to stay strong about this.

"I'm also sorry about what we did the other week." he continued "We shouldn't have been so selfish towards you. That was wrong of us."

I didn't know what to say back. I guess there was a part of me that was having trouble coming up with a response. But before I could do that, he followed with something that rubbed me the wrong way.

"And we would still like it if you came to Wildside."

I couldn't believe he actually had the audacity to mention that. It was the very last thing I had on my mind, as well as the very last thing I cared about. How could I possibly think about going to a big, fun, summer camp in a situation like this? Hearing him bring it up changed my attitude almost instantly.

"Really?" I asked him "Is that all you care about?"

A puzzled look grew on his face.

"What?" he asked back "No. Of course not."

I didn't believe him.

"Do you realize what you made me do?" I added "You made me turn against Holly. You made her hate me, and now she's dead. I can never apologize to her."

"Cole." he told me "I swear to God, I didn't mean it like that."

At this point, hearing the words "I swear to God" didn't even mean anything to me.

"She was right about you guys." I told him back "You forced me to do something I didn't want to. You only cared about yourselves. That's not what friendship is."

"That's not true."

"Yeah it is."

By then, I no longer cared if he saw me cry. I couldn't hold back those emotions. I just let the tears fall and didn't even bother trying to stop them.

"Cole, please." he begged.

"You're not even sorry!" I shouted, grabbing him by his shirt "You're not my friends!"

I then shoved him to the ground, and he looked back up at a loss for words.

"Stay away from me Shane." I told him "Don't ever come near me again."

Startled, he hurriedly got up and ran off.

I stayed at that playground for over an hour, just sitting there alone, before I headed back to my house. When I got there, I went upstairs to my room.

Right away, I pulled out my box of colored pencils and sat down at my desk.

I then started drawing a picture. Six people, all wearing black shirts, standing together, holding bibles, wearing cross necklaces, and happily smiling. They consisted of a skinny boy with black hair, a handsome boy with brown hair, a chubby boy with brown hair, a blonde boy with glasses, a tall boy with braces, and at the very end, a pretty girl with long brown hair.

This is what I wanted.

These were my friends.

Were.