Mha oneshots!

Hey

Personal venting! Tw: suicidal ideation and a negative mindset (sorry lmao)

Hey guys! I'm uhmmmm not doing great lately. I have no motivation for anything anymore. I just quit my job, I'm just home all day lounging around doing nothing, I can't really take care of myself properly and I don't really know why.

I want to write, I want it so badly. But the moment I look at a blank page, my mind is empty and I can't create anymore. It's killing me not being able to provide for myself and provide for you, no matter how much I want it.

I've been in a state where- well... I just don't wanna be here anymore, you know? I'd never actually leave, I don't think. I care about my friends and family too much for that. But I want nothing more than to disappear from reality and hide for an undetermined amount of time.

I feel so far behind. I'm almost 19 and I still feel like I'm that scared 8 year old craving to be told what to do because I can't fend for myself yet.

I'm not ready for life yet and I know that nobody really is but that doesn't make me feel better. Nothing makes me feel better and I can't ask for help because of that. I can't talk to people about anything because they'll tell me that I'll get through this and that things will get better. I can't ask for help because they'll tell me everything that I already know that I have to do and I just can't fucking do it.

I've isolated myself, hiding from facing everyone and everything because the moment I face another bump in the road I know I'll be destroyed. I'm 19, and I had an anxiety attack just thinking about starting college, thinking about having to work for the rest of my fucking life just to "get by".

I constantly feel like I'm not made for this world and I don't know what to do about it because I hit so many mental walls every time I try to get better. I feel like I'm suffocating, trapped inside a clear box. I can see everyone around me making way with their lives and I'm just here.

I know progress isn't linear but I've been like this for far too long to even consider the possibility that this could be called progress.

I feel so defeated, I dread waking up in the mornings. I dread having to breathe another breath. I dread having to think another thought. I dread existence as a whole and I don't know how to escape it. I don't know how to stop this.

I want to just rip my brain out most days, just to give myself a second. A second without having to fight this constant battle within myself.

Everything feels so heavy and I just wish it would stop, I want it all to stop.

But then I think about the people who would miss me if I left and it's too painful. I don't want them to hurt because I'm too weak to hold on. But I'm just so tired. I'm too tired to keep fighting but the last thing I want to do is put my pain on anyone else. I don't know what to do anymore and I don't know how to cope with it all. I feel so god damn useless.

I just wish I was never born. Or that any of my previous attempts had worked before I actually mattered.

Part of me wants to make it to where I don't matter to anyone anymore, just so I can leave. But I'm too scared. I'd never actually do that because in reality, I'm too scared to die.

I just- I want change to be easier. Why do I HAVE to fight? Why do I HAVE to suffer to see the light on the other side? Why do I HAVE to work so god damn hard just to experience the bare minimum?

Because it's "worth it"? It seems like some sort of sick and twisted game and I'm tired of it. I'm angry and I'm sad and I'm just- I'm exhausted. I'm so fucking exhausted.

-

So if you're wondering why I haven't posted in a while, there's the harsh truth. I can't even fend for myself, let alone a fanfic one-shot story. I don't know when motivation will come back to me, or if it even will. I don't know. And I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that I can't provide for you, because I really, really want to.

I'm sorry if this isn't the kind of update you wanted to read, and I'm sorry if I let you guys down. But I know you'd understand. You'd understand this feeling at least to some sort of level, otherwise why would you be reading this fic in the first place, right? 😅

I'm just- I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

I had to vent. I'm sorry.

If you want to pretend this is a character, then go ahead. Maybe it would be a good story who knows lol.

Again, I'm sorry and I hope you guys are doing well. I'll try to update whenever I feel like I can. Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for being there. Thank you for reading my projected thoughts onto fictional characters. And thank you for your existence, I don't think I would have gotten where I am as a writer without y'all. Thank you.