Words.

10.

                                                                              SELF SABOTAGE (?)

                                                                            RANDOM YAPPING (?)

                                                        TURNING LIFE INTO A JOKE YET AGAIN (?)

there is this dark, insatiable thing. it makes me do things. think things. terrible, perilous things. it never stops. it only slows down, sometimes. i do not like it. you know, there are these categories of demons inside this dark thing. one makes me victimize myself. exactly what i am doing right now. some make me think sinister things. i lose my conscience. it is terrible, what i feel is so terrible, so immaculately tormenting, i wish i would rather let myself disappear withing nothingness. i feel i am within nothingness, for the feeling never goes away. i cannot fathom the fact that i am able to think such things, it wretches me from the inside. it is slowly grasping me and incinerating me. i am terrible. what i do is terrible. i do not know what to do. maybe i do know what to do. it eludes me. i do not get it. maybe i do. i wish i would fade away, trodden upon by the weight of my ridiculed, sinister thoughts. the feeling is as cold as the chilling russian winter gales, as distant, too. it keeps pulling me with it. i am certain it loves me? it never lets me talk. it never lets me reveal it. it makes itself ununderstandable. i could tear my heart apart. it is truly surreal, what it makes me do. am i actually the victim? or was i the villian all along? it puts me in a dilemma. 

whether to drown in my sins or to sin? the thin line is gone. satan is here. i let myself fall apart. did i not? 

can i not be normal? can i not be pure? so pure so that i could pollute myself again? can i not start it all over again? i let them get me too.

it pains me to say that i am helpless. rapacious. disdainful. ambiguous. abhorrent. obstinate.

if such a demon like me would disappear, would it make much of a difference?

this is not me. this is not me at all. i do not know who i am anymore.

it is sinister.

am i this, or am i that? do i want this, or do i want that? is it correct, or is it not? do i do it like this, or do i do it like that? what is it that is not right? am i turning evil? is it truly wrong? the answer is hidden amongst impelling mazes. if i were to find them, would i lose myself? have i already? i am going insane. the thing overpowers me.

i am that thing. and i hate it.