When the Crown Falls

Chapter 19 - Spoken Tears

EMI AINU

For uncertain reasons, the world became unbearably deafening as I sat in my room with my mind lost in a jumble of thoughts. The half-beating heart in my chest became heavy with feelings more graver than what I originally knew of.

A cup of warm tea was gently placed in front of me and only then I remembered that Kyone and Sujin were with me.

Kyone spoke, her voice softer than usual "Are you alright, Your majesty?"

I picked up the cup, the heat of the tea seeping into my shivering palms. I took a small sip and the hot liquid did little to soothe the turmoil stirring within.

Disappointingly, I returned the cup down the table and barely audibly, tried to speak. "No, I'm not."

The words hung in the air, and how I wished I had just stayed silent instead

A pair of warm comforting hands rested on my shoulders and he called out "Emi,"

Hearing Sujin's voice was like a blissful moment, even if it only lasted for a few countable seconds before the terrible feeling once again took over. His tenderness only made tears prick at the comer of my eyes.

I forced to swallow the lump forming in my throat and chose to shut my eyes close, just to calm this raging confusion in my chest.

I felt another pair of hands rest on my knee, squeezing reassuringly.

"I..." my breath came out shakily. "I don't understand why this hurts so much."

Sujin's fingers tightened on my shoulder.

"It's foolish, I know. But I can't get rid of this aching in my chest..." I admitted, my voice cracking with each word.

"You are allowed to feel whatever you are feeling. It's not foolish, My lady." Sujin's voice was a low, soothing murmur. He spoke gently, as if carefully aware not to cause me tears with the slight rise of his tone.

Sujin let go, yet his warmth remained embedded into my flesh.

Kyone stood up and went to the side in the process, making way for Sujin to replace her warmth on my knee with his as he rested his head on my lap, his hands curled around the back of my knees, grasping desperately before he spoke. "If you'd let me, anything you need to ease this pain. Just say the word and I will do it, My lady."

I scoffed which eventually led to a chuckle. "You almost sound as if you are offering yourself to me."

"And perhaps I am,"

I raised my head for our eyes to meet. Those red hues that always seemed to be raging fire became so warmly gentle and comforting.

"If it will ease your pain, then I gladly will." He continued.

"Do not be foolish." I whispered a scoff and turned my gaze away from him, yet despite that, he didn't move.

"I'm not being foolish, My lady. I knelt before you and swore my unwavering loyalty. And I meant every word I spoke. I wasn't merely pledging loyal to the empire, to the empress, I was pledging myself to you...wholly and completely." he harshly spoke the last words, making sure I understood it.

The dam breaks and tears spilled over. The years of built up frustration and fears finally poured out and I couldn't be any more glad to be in the arms of the person I feel safer in than any other.

Sujin leaned closer and I immediately let myself cry out on his chest. "I no longer know what's going to happen. He's going to have a child, an heir to the throne and I...I'm just...what about me? I have always been someone he can simply throw aside once he has his progeny."

Small hiccups escaped as I continued to speak, the words felt torn from me like I was a wounded animal. "I've given him years and now I feel like I am going to be discarded. Will the people ask for my head later on for failing the duty of a wife? I am scared of death, Sujin... I am scared that I will be lonely in the afterlife!"
I sobbed my heart out as words I never knew hid inside my heart continued to pour out like river.

Sujin gathered me into his arms and pulled me closer. "You won't be lonely, I won't let you be. I'll be by your side until the afterlife, even if I have to defy the judgment of the Gods." his voice cracked slightly as he spoke, his own emotions bled through.

I clutched the back of his garment as I felt a wave of trembles desperately trying to show. The fear and pain spilled out of me in a torrent of sobs and half-coherent words as I let myself bury in his warmth, all while my tears soaked the fabric of his sleeves.