Scars

4

Demi

I tried to get back to my old self, but it seemed impossible. The melodies and lyrics that once ran nonstop through my head were now gone, and the once familiar itch in the tips of my fingers for a guitar or piano had vanished. I sat on the couch for hours, waiting for the flashbacks to end so I could finally manage to step out of the house. I had dozens of conference calls with lawyers who were combing through the Grove's security tapes to try and find my attackers.

Wilmer was doing his best, only going to work when it was absolutely necessary. He didn't want to leave me alone, and for good reason. He know the thoughts in my head weren't good. He knew that at any moment I could take a drink or find a razor to deal with the pain I felt inside. We still slept int he same bed, but I wouldn't let him touch me. However, every single morning I would wake up wrapped in his arms, as if nothing has changed.

Today, was one of the bad days- well, one of the worse days since they were all bad lately. Wilmer was at work, and I had woken up feeling totally dead inside. Every thing seemed so dark inside. I was managing it, but the final straw was my lawyer calling to inform me that the lab results were inconclusive, so they wouldn't be able to identify my attackers. As I put down the phone, I would feel the familiar itch in my wrists to cut, to stop the pain in my chest, to take it all away, to be numb. I perched on the couch and sat on my hands, trying to breathe deeply and hold out until Wilmer came home, which would only like a half-hour or so. I needed to be strong. I needed to keep myself clean.

"What's the point though?" A tiny voice in my head questioned. "Those men are already free, so why shouldn't you be free from the pain he caused you? Why shouldn't you be numb?"

As if I was in a trance I stood up and walked to the bathroom, going into Wilmer's shaving kit where I found exactly what my inner demons were telling me I needed; A stainless steel razor blade. I sat on the closed toilet and pressed the sharp side to my wrist, starring down at my hands with a blanket expression. I don't know how long I sat like that, watching my wrist, waiting to slide it across my skin and feel the immediate relief. It seemed to be the only solution, to match my emotional scars with physical ones across my wrist. My head was constantly full of flashbacks and memories from that day. I knew that if I moved my hand even a millimeter I would feel peace, and everything would shut off. I was oblivious to everything around me, staring down at my wrist. Just one cut wouldn't hurt, right?

"Demi." My head snapped up and I swear my heart stopped once I saw Wilmer standing in the doorway wearing a sad expression.

I curled my body defensively around the blade, still pressed to my wrist, shaking my head, "No. I can still do this."

He took a slow step into the room, "You don't want to go down this road again. Okay?"

I looked down again, "What if I do though? Everything was so much simpler. I don't want to deal with this pain anymore."

He took another step, "Demi, you don't want to do this to yourself. You were miserable, and I won't let you. You need to put that razor down."

I shook my head, "I can't. It's what I need. I have to do this."

Wilmer knelt in front of me, "No it's not. It's not worth it. I know you think it's going to make you numb, but it's only going to add onto your guilt and regret right after you slide the blade across your skin. I've seen it. I know you. Now you have a choice." He offered me his hand, palm up. "You can cut, and only dig yourself a deeper hole, or you can place the blade in my hand and we can talk through this."

I slowly met his gaze and nodded, dropping the blade into his hand. The second it left my fingers I crumpled into his arms, sobbing loudly as Wilmer threw the blade into the toilet and flushed it while trying to hold me up.

"I'm sorry."

I sobbed, "I don't know what came over me."

He nodded and held my head, stroking my hair and back, "It's okay Dems, I'm right here. I'm not gonna let you fall apart."

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-Rachel