Scars

10

Demi

I sat on the bathroom floor, staring at the wall. My body felt cold, and empty. My hands were folded over my stomach, gently rubbing the skin there. When I had told Wilmer what I suspected, he simply swallowed hard, stood up, and walked out. I knew he was going to get pregnancy tests, but I didn't know what to feel. It could be his, but it could also be the product of the monster who haunted my dreams every night. A product of the monster who continues to ruin my life day in and day out. How could I love this child as much as a child should be loved if I knew it was the product of an act of pure evil? How could I care for it knowing I was caring for a monster's offspring? I know I'm sounding selfish, but the thought of carrying something that's his, something that was the product of my rape, inside my body for nine months, and then caring for it? I didn't know if it was going to be possible for me to do that. I didn't know if I would be able to not breakdown. Why had this happened to me? Although I had asked this question a hundred times, it was now fueled with anger. Why had God put me in this kind of position? Where I had to carry a reminder of my rape, and live with it for the rest of my life? Even if I gave it up for adoption, I would always remember. My body wouldn't forget the birth of a child, Wilmer would never be able to look at me and forget that my body had swelled with the growth of another man's child.

I didn't know how long I sat there for, but it seemed like hours before Wilmer came stalking back in. He set the bag down at the counter.

"I got all the tests they have."

I just nodded, feeling like I was going to throw up. "Go wait in the bedroom."

"Demi..."

"Wilmer." I whispered, closing my eyes. "Please, go wait in the bedroom."

After another moment of hesitation. Wilmer's hands dropped to his sides and he walked out, shutting the door behind him. I took a deep breath and opened the pregnancy tests, lining them up on the counter as I took every single one. It would take about five minutes. My gaze didn't waver from them as I clasped my hands and pressed them to my lips, my heart beating out of my chest. The seconds ticked by and there was a knock on the door.

"I'm going crazy out here Demi." Wilmer said. "Can I please come in?"

"No." My voice was firmer than I felt.

He was quiet for a while, and suddenly the tests began to change all at once. My heart dropped from my chest as a tiny pink plus sign materialized on every single test. I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes, inhaling deeply through my nose. I slid down to the wall, and before I could stop it, a sob escaped my lips. The door opened instantly, and Wilmer glanced at the tests for a long moments, his shoulders tightening. Then he sat down next to me and put his arm around me, pulling me inside his side and leaning his chin on top of my head.

"It's going to be okay."

"Don't say that." I whispered, closing my eyes. "That's not true. It's not going to be okay. Nothing about this is okay."

"Demi... we had sex the day before it happened. It could be mine."

I shook my head. "But what if it's not? I can't do this Wilmer. I can't have his baby."

"Demi... whatever you want to do, I'll support you honey. I love you, and I'll support any decision you make. That baby is half of you, so even if I'm not the father, and you want to keep it, I'll love it. But if you decide to terminate the pregnancy, I'll also stay by your side. I promise it's going to be okay, maybe not right away, but it will be okay."

I closed my eyes. "I have to make an appointment with my doctor."

"Okay."

I knew he didn't know what to do, or say, which scared me even more. Wilmer had never been speechless. He always knew what to say, or do, to make me feel better, to make me forget about the bad. He was always my rock, but now I had nothing to hold onto, nothing to keep me steady as I walked headfirst into the biggest storm of my life. I sighed heavily and swallowed hard. I knew what I had to do, what I knew was right. The decision came in an instant, but that didn't make saying it out loud any easier.

"I don't want to know who the father is."

"What?" Wilmer's voice was low, and full of emotion I couldn't place.

My eyes opened slowly. "I don't want to go through this, if I am pregnant, not loving this baby. You're right, it's half mine." I sighed. "I don't want to know who the father is until the baby is born. If it's his, I'll put it up for adoption, completely anonymous. If it's yours... Then we'll be parents."

"Demi." He murmured. "Are you going to be able to do this? Are you going to be strong enough?"

I exhaled slowly and rubbed my face. "I have to be."

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-Rachel