WHAT I NEED ( A Johnny Gaudreau Fanfic)

ONE

AVA

I stumbled out the back seat of the car, tired and achy-limbed, my friends Emily and Laura pattering out after me. It had been a four-hour drive up to the lake where we'd be camping for the next five days. And although I'd originally been tense about coming (I was more of a city girl), this was our last chance to really relax before classes started again. Plus with my recent break-up, I really needed good friends to pick me back up.

The three of us leaned against the car, stretching out legs and arms as well as breathing in the fresh musky air. I was sort of caught of guard by the beauty; we had rented out a cabin right on the lake that was crystal blue and reflecting light in the most beautiful way. It was a nice secluded spot as large, majestic trees surrounded us on all sides and the nearest town was a few miles away. We were literally in the heart of nature and the longer I spend there the faster I fell in love. I also noticed the rickety boardwalk stretching across the water, looking seldom and breathtaking and almost started towards it when Laura spoke.

"The boys will be here in a bit," she informed, looking up from her phone. And I nodded understandingly.

"What's taking them so long?" I asked, frowning. Along with the three of us, we were to be joined by two other friends Sean and Sam whom we'd also met in college and become fast friends with. Laura looked at me carefully and I knew I wasn't going to like what I heard.

"They uh... they had to pick up Johnny on the way," she informed and my eyes widened as I took a few steps back, away from the car and them. My heart felt like it was convulsing.

Johnny would be here. On this secluded camping trip with me. Johnny. The boy who had broken my heart a mere four months ago for absolutely no reason. The Johnny that I harbored unresolved and relentless feelings for still and knew that seeing him tear me apart. That Johnny.

Johnny had also originally been apart of our group until he and I had foolishly decided to pursue our feelings for each other, only to have it blow up in my face. Now over the six of us loomed an awkward tension that we all tried to ignore but I could feel it cutting through our friendship, we hung out with the guys less and less because when they were around Johnny, Emily and Laura were far to respectful and loyal to be around him. Not that they hated him but a sort of coldness was still there.

Looking around, everything felt like it was going up in flames. Was this view and time really worth my pride and sanity? Being around Johnny was unnerving. It stripped away my barriers and left me with only the rawest and most open emotions. I needed to get away before I lost it. I wasn't ready to face him. Wasn't ready for answers I needed. I didn't know how I'd react being face to face with him after everything. I really, really needed to get away.

Emily stepped towards me, grabbing me by the shoulders gently. "Ava, take a deep breathe okay. Everything will be fine. No one is asking you to talk to him; you don't even have to look at him. But please, try to relax okay," she attempted to appease me, but I could already feel heat and anger and sadness pumping away within me.

"Why is he coming though? I just don't understand," I whimpered looking away from them and at the limpid, soothing water.

"I honestly have no idea babe," Laura explained, "He literally told Sean like four days ago that he wasn't coming and now all of a sudden he changed his mind."

"What am I gonna do," I implored, looking at them both expectantly like there was something they could do when we all knew there was nothing to be done.

"Just be cool and confident Ava, look unaffected and it'll be easier, I promise."

I nodded, they were right; I needed to get a grip. For my and my friends sake. We were never going to enjoy our time here if I was creating unnecessary drama. Plus I really wanted that cloud of awkwardness to be lifted from us, it was far too unfair to all of them.

"Okay...yeah, okay."

+++

The boys arrived almost an hour later, after we'd emptied out the contents of our trunk and explored the cabin a little bit. It was fully furnished and equipped with everything we needed to stay for the next little while so there wasn't much work on our part, we'd only brought suitcases of clothing that we'd placed in our respective rooms and a minimal amount of food that we munched on as we lounged around for the rest of the hour. I was lying on a couch, clutching a pillow to my chest and thinking of all the different ways I could react to seeing him. So far there was running away screaming and punching him in the face, all which weren't viable options. I knew more than anything that I'd just shut down at seeing him. I crumble and crack beneath the weight off all of my fresh pain, brokenness and obsessively looming questions. My heart yearned for so many answers that he hadn't given me. I craved for them. Laid awake at night and thought about them. My mind demanded them but I didn't now how to ask them. How to address them when he refused to. When he ran away from me, from our love, our lives together. I needed to know why, why he'd torn up the same heart he'd worked so hard to protect. Why he'd thrown away the memories and sheer love that we shared. Why? What was more important? When it came down to it, who was worth more than me? Than us? It hurt so badly; I felt the emptiness ripping away within me. Tearing holes in my pride and confidence. What had I done that had made him run away? It didn't make any sense to me. And the longer he kept me in the dark, the faster I was losing it.

"Boys are here," Laura announced and my heart was instantly in my throat. I tried to swallow down the emotion but it just wasn't working.

Emily looked at me sympathetically, "Keep it together, you can get through this, okay."

I nodded, pulling the cushion away from my chest and climbing to my feet. There was a storm brewing within me that I'd just need to keep tame until this was over. Everyone was depending on it.

We were stepping onto the porch just as their car pulled up and I smiled a little trying to look put together and unbothered. This isn't a big deal Ava. This isn't a big deal.

When they all piled out, Laura and Emily ran to them, engulfing the boys in their arms and chatting freely with them but I stood back and only watched. Watched the way Johnny smiled and talked and laughed exactly like I remembered him. The same curly hair and gentle brown eyes. Seeing him had hit me like a freight train and I wanted to walk over there and kiss him. But this was reality and in reality it isn't a big deal. In reality you have to be brave and get over it. So I placed a fake grin on my face and stumbled down the steps, walking completely past him and into the arms of Sam who laughed as I hugged him. He and I had become incredibly close immediately after the break up. He'd been the one to put a smile on my face and provide me with tubs of ice cream to appease the heartbreak. Not only was I incredibly in debt to him, I was lucky to call him one of my best friends.

"Ava, how are you doing?" he asked as I pulled away, though he still had his hold on my arms.

"Good. I'm really excited to see you!"

And I swore I could see Johnny frowning from the corner of my eyes but I ignored it in favour of catching up with Sam.