WHAT I NEED ( A Johnny Gaudreau Fanfic)

SIX

JOHNNY

Everyone stood around the table that evening, desolate expressions covering their faces. The air around them thick with silence and emotion. Johnny could see Ava from the corner of his eye, her face stone cold and her own eyes red and Johnny felt something on his chest tighten but didn't have it in himself to dwell much on what he'd done or was going to do. He felt too embarrassed.

"Seriously guys, this isn't that big of a deal," Emily spoke up, raising an eyebrow.

"Easy for you to say, I was hoping to spend the night drunk by a camp fire but there goes another dream," Sam groaned dramatically while a laugh passed through everyone else.

They'd run out of alcohol and while it wasn't that big of a deal, something in the group called for a theatrical scene.

"I say Johnny and Ava go grab more, they haven't been doing much at all," Sean shrugged nonchalantly, sending Johnny a side eyed glance before chancing a look at Ava, who displayed no emotion at all. Johnny gulped against the lump in his throat; yeah he would love to be alone with Ava. Hear her voice and see her look at him with stars in her eyes like she always did. But he just wasn't sure if he was ready to face her. If he had any sort of defence and reasoning for acting like a rash teenager. He wasn't sure what to even say to himself let alone Ava, who deserved so much more than what he could give to her. Most of all she deserved the truth. 

He declined softly, "I'm not really up for going into town guys I think we'll survive without beer for one night."

A groaned spread among everyone and Ava moved away suddenly, turning towards the door.

"Okay, we'll go grab some," she said easily, though Johnny could sense the shake in her voice. And it was confusing; he didn't know how or why she wanted to be around him. Previously, she'd distanced herself. Tried to create a healthy space between them to avoid anymore of what undoubtedly would be happening right now.

"Ava, seriously we don't need to go," Johnny tried to refute but she sent him a simple look.

"It's fine Johnny."

Minutes later, they were our the door, starting along the gravel path that led up into town and she had her arms wrapped around herself and Johnny suspected it had more to do with him and less with the sweltering air outside.

He wanted to ask if she was okay, more if she was angry with him but he refrained. He knew it was an insensitive thing to ask of her. He hadn't earned any sort of answer from her. So he left them in silence and instead listened to the way gravel crunched beneath his sneakers, the distance soft sounds of the forest and his own heart beating in his chest, speeding up every time he caught sight of her in his vision.

He ran an angry hand through his hair, pulling at the roots and groaning quietly. He was so crazy and screwed up. He'd messed with the one person he'd told himself he'd always protect. A bit of him had hoped that this trip would be the turning point for them, that somehow, without any sort of explanation, she would become his once again, only now he was realizing that even if she did want to be with Johnny again, he would never deserve her. Everything between them had become so bleak and stiff and nothing like he remembers them being. They'd always shared so much love and understanding and he'd idiotically ruined everything.

They could now see the sparkle of distant streetlights and storefronts reflecting off the pavement and emitting an engulfing glow. And still they walked in silence, getting caught up in the activity of the small fishing town. Children playing, people enjoying peaceful evenings on their porches, a few small cars whizzing by. Johnny wondered for a moment what living in a small town like this with Ava would feel like. And immediately, at the thought, his belly filled with warmth and emotion and he looked directly at her sparkling eyes and skin glowing.  It would be amazing and breathtaking, to get away from all the confusion and hide away in a beautiful town with a beautiful girl.

They reached the liquor store that was at the end of the long, straight main road and while Johnny continued ahead, Ava stopped in her tracks. He looked back at her with a frown, genuinely worried about what had happened. It looked as if something in her mind had struck and she looked him directly in the eyes.

"You- you kissed me," she stated, matter of faculty, her eyebrows meeting in concern.  

"Ava, I-"

"You kissed me Johnny," she cut him off. "Why did you do that?"

Johnny rubbed his neck nervously, trying to come up with some sort of an adequate explanation. "I- uh... are you mad?" Fuck. He was stupid.

He grimaced, waiting for her to lash out but when he opened his eyes again, she was quiet. Her eyes were gentler and her stance less guarded.

"I- No, I'm not mad," she said perplexedly, almost as if it didn't make sense to her, which was very much true because this was far beyond his reach. "I don't know what I am, but I- I'm not mad." Ava rubbed her hand over her face, grumbling and Johnny's stomach twisted because he'd made such a profound mess. "I don't know whether I should punch you for making me feel this way or... kiss you."

He was caught off guard for a moment, the breath knocked right out of him as she said that.

Before he could even stop himself, he was saying with a shrug, "You could always do both."

She laughed, reeling and then landing the softest punch against his bare bicep, her fingers making his skin warm up. And then she bit her lip, looking up at him as she leaned in and captured his lips against her own. Instinctually, he clasped his hands around her waist, pulling her against his tightly, like she couldn't be close enough. They stayed like that for a long while, standing before the doors of a liquor store, lips locked and bodies mingled. He swiped his tongue against her bottom lip, slipping it into her mouth when she gasped. And she tilted her head just a little, leaning into him further and letting her hands grasp into the hair on the back of his head. He'd missed being so close to her, tasting her, inhaling her sweet scent, being lost in her. He was so foolish for ever leaving.

When they pulled apart, he was breathless and her lips were shiny and red and swollen and Johnny resisted the urge to bring her in again for a kiss.

"Ava, c-can you please give me a-another chance?" he questioned breathlessly.

At that she looked down at the pavement, like the very same thoughts were humming around in her mind.

"I don't know Johnny, I-just... I need more reassurance. I need to feel safe again."