WHAT I NEED ( A Johnny Gaudreau Fanfic)

FOUR

JOHNNY

When they met back in front of the diner to regroup, Johnny and Ava were incredibly tense. She hadn't said a word to him the entire time and he noticed how she immediately clung to Sam the minute she saw him, trying to put distance between the two of them and his stupid behaviour at the store. He didn't know what was wrong with him; he had absolutely no self-control when it came to Ava. He wanted to be around her all the time, talking to her like they once had. Laughing and flirting. He wanted to forget about the past and start over again. But that wasn't possible. She couldn't forget and he couldn't be truthful with her.

Fuck!

He wanted to punch himself. She looked so distraught and angry with him. Great, he'd ruined it beyond repair. He'd come on this trip hoping he could change her mind about him but with the shit he'd just pulled, he was never going to get her back. He ran his free hand through his hair, groaning beneath his breath.

Sean caught up to him as they began walking back to their cabin, Ava and Sam leading the group, and he sent him a wary glance.

"How'd it go?" he asked.

"Uh," Johnny hesitated, trying to figure out a way to break it to his friend just how much of a mess he'd made, rather than cleaning his old one up. "Not good, actually. I was said some really stupid things and she got angry. I just- I just wish she would let go of the past but she wont."

"If you were her, you wouldn't either," Sean said empathetically and something in Johnny's chest hurt as they both adverted their eyes towards her. She was laughing freely with Sam, head thrown back as he told her some story. And he couldn't remember the last time he'd made her that happy. He felt like he was running into a wall suddenly, where he was on one side, him with all of his lies and heartbreak and Sam on the other, with all of his kindness and care, Ava balancing in between. He could feel her tipping away from him and he felt angry. Mostly at himself.

"Why don't you just tell her?" Sean asked quietly, sending him an almost pleading look. "You can't run from the past forever."

He nodded his head rapidly, feeling mist before his eyes. "I know I can't but she already hates me, knowing the truth will make her despise me and then there will be no chance of us ever being together again." He felt defeated and deflated beneath the summer sun. His heart beating so loud, it was crowding in his ears and he almost missed Sean's response.

"So then what are you going to do?"

"I dunno," he tried to shrug but his muscles felt stiff from guilt and confusion. 'Should I give up? I mean, she's so much better when I'm not in her life."

Sean sent him a frown. "Don't give up Johnny, just give it time. Ava will come around."

"I don't think I have anymore time left," he acknowledged grimly, focusing his hazy vision ahead of him towards Ava's smiling.

+++

As the sun dipped beneath the horizon, the six of them gathered in a circle around the fire pit, Sean starting a flame with the firewood they'd bought earlier. He'd had been raving about having an epic bonfire and getting drunk around it, but now with the unspeakably awkward tension that hung over them all, Johnny suspected it would more dreadful than epic. But they all sat there anyway, trying to laugh and remember their first year in college together. It had been rough and bumpy and Johnny wasn't sure of much. Only that he'd fallen for Ava the first time he's met her in his English class. And that rush of meeting her had stayed with him even until now. He felt it in that very moment, while he was looking at her from across the circle, chatting quietly, her eyes set low. Something about her stance was closed off, like she didn't want to talk, only wanted to look around at the crackling fire and feel it warm her and he felt the smallest suspicion that it was because of him.

She stood up suddenly and Johnny perked up as well, curious and worried as to what was going on.

"Um, I'm feeling pretty tired so I think I'm gonna head to bed guys," she informed, her fingers laced together in the nervous gesture that Johnny remembered so well. She wasn't tired, she just couldn't stand being around him anymore. Groans passed throughout the group before everyone was bidding her a good night before she disappeared into the cabin.

Johnny held back for a moment, watching the lapping flames of the fire and the flying sparks and the way his friends laughed instead. Without all the emotions buzzing around him, it was so beautiful. The red and yellow and orange warming him down to his soul and the colours dancing across his vision. He would stay there forever if he could. But he couldn't.

Blowing out a puff of air, he stood wordlessly from his chair, though nobody seemed to notice amongst the cheer of Sean bringing out the beer but he did catch Sam's eye, who sent him a narrow eyed look as he walked by but Johnny chose to ignore it. Sam was the last of his problems.

He found her curled up on the couch, her palms pressed over his eyes and he crept before her, perching himself softly on the adjacent coffee table. They always seemed to do this now, find each other alone but with nothing to say.

"Hey," he said softly and she looked up in surprise, removing her hands. She took him in for a few moments, before she shuffled, trying to get to her feet and get away. But he caught her hand and pulled her back down gently. "Please wait Ava, just listen to me."

"I don't want to hear anything you have to say Johnny," she huffed agitatedly and Johnny let out a frustrated breath. Why couldn't he do this right?

"You don't even want to hear me apologize?" he asked, continuing when she didn't say anything in refusal. "I'm sorry for what happened at the store, I crossed a line, said something really stupid and I hurt your feelings. I didn't mean to and I'm sorry."

She turned her face silently and bit her lip, water glimmering in her eyes and he cursed. That wasn't supposed to make her cry, it was supposed to fix things.

"Is that all you want to apologize for?" she choked out after a few beats of silence and Johnny was caught, unable to say anything in return.

"W-what?" he stuttered.

"You only want to apologize for what you did at the store but what about when you broke my heart into a thousand billion pieces and didn't tell me why. What about when you left me all alone in the dark and didn't even care to look over your shoulder? What about that? Who's going to be responsible for that? Who is going to apologize for that, huh?" she implored harshly, looking him daringly in the eyes.

"Ava please-"

"No Johnny," she cut him off, salt on her cheeks now. "No more pleases, don't you think I deserve to know why you did it? Was there someone else? Was it me? Something I did? What was so terrible about me that you ran away instead of trying to fix it?" Ava demanded.

Johnny gulped, reaching to wipe away her tears but she dodged his hand, continuing to maintain eye contact.

"There is nothing wrong with you Ava, don't ever think that I left because of you."

"Then why?" she cried. "Why did you leave? I want to understand. I want to know the truth."

He couldn't bear to look at her anymore, so he ran a hand through his hair, took a deep inhalation, got up and walked to his room.