Waiting For Superman

Why?

    "You're Cassie, right?"

    I turned around slowly, tears blurring my vision. "Yes." I raised my eyebrows. Everyone was gathered around the kitchen table, smiles covered faces, and tears filled eyes. Everyone knew Ryan. You either loved him or you hated him, but you definitely knew him. Even if you didn't know him personally, you knew of him. Everyone knew Ryan.

     "Hi."

     "Trevor, right?"

    "You two know each other?" Mia raised her eyebrows.

     "We've met a few times." I looked at my feet, wiping my eyes.

     "Because of Ryan," Trevor added in.

     "Trevor was always with Ryan."

     "Cassie was all Ryan ever talked about."

     We both looked up slowly, our eyes meeting each other's.

     "I'll leave you two alone." Mia patted my shoulder, "If you need anything, I'll be over here." She wandered off, joining the group of Ryan's family, laughing about some stupid picture of him when he was two.

     "Are you okay?" Trevor bit his lip. I could tell his eyes were watery, even though he refused to look directly into mine. I ran my fingers through my dark curls and adjusted my t-shirt. I had to keep my mind busy and moving was one thing that really helped that. 

     "Yeah," I nodded, biting my lip too, fighting back tears. That was one of the crazy things about life: words could have such an impact on you. I was okay, I really was, until suddenly, I wasn't. While, of course, considering the situation, I had never been truly alright, I could pretend, and I could hang in there. I was okay. I wasn't great. I couldn't be great, but okay was something doable. But then, suddenly, without any warning, only hearing Trevor ask me the question I'd been hearing all day, I wasn't. I wasn't okay, and I couldn't even pretend to be. I found myself stepping forward into his arms, as they closed around me.

     He was crying, too, his chest heaving up and down as we gasped for air together. His fingers tangled themselves in my hair, holding me to him. I was sure we were being watched, and I wasn't quite sure, honestly, why I was hugging him like this, allowing myself to break down in front of someone I'd talked to once or twice, and only seen a handful of times.

     Maybe it was just the situation. Someone was better than no one, right? Or maybe it was just the fact that I was Ryan's best girl friend, and Trevor was his best guy friend. Maybe it was the bond we each had with Ryan that made us feel closer than we actually were.

     "Do you want to get some air?" He whispered, and I felt his lips brushing against the top of my head. I couldn't speak, but I nodded, and he took my hand, leading me outside. The fall air nipped at my skin, but I didn't let him notice my shivering. He lead us out and down the driveway. Both of us paused, unplanned, taking in the empty place in the driveway where the old, red beat-up truck usually sat. It, of course, was gone. I knew I'd find it soon, beat up more than usual, glass shattered, reminding me of this morning.

    "Do you--?" He paused, looking back toward the house. "It'll be hard," He interrupted himself, "But I don't think I could do it alone. Will you come to the crash site with me?"

   I nodded, looking up. He was taller than me, but not by more than a few inches. I leaned into his side, watching the clouds pass the sun, dimming the morning air. It was so early. It was barely five. I should have still been asleep. I shouldn't be watching the sunrise. It was as if Trevor could read my mind, as I felt his hand tangle with my own again. Even though we weren't moving, standing perfectly still in the driveway, both watching the clouds, I felt as if I'd be thrown into motion, spinning, free falling, and I was terrified.