SFSD-X Short Story Smackdown

1.4 A Honey of a Streamer

"Hi," I said suavely, when I could stand without clutching a table. "I'm a single guy with a semi-steady income from smuggling who is ready to love and provide for any living woman who will have me."

Twenty years of enforced celibacy had been plenty of time to practice my speech in front of mirrors. I could only hope my hard work would pay off. Too bad the droids had forced me to bathe – I was sure my manly body odor would have been a great benefit.

The ladies burst into giggles simultaneously. They whispered to each other behind their hands, identical blond ponytails touching. Wait...were they sisters? Were they...twins?

"Mimi, where'd you put the – oh!" A third woman walked in carrying a tray of glasses. Upon seeing me, she jumped sideways and would have dropped the tray, had I not come to the rescue. Doubtless, one of my finer moments. I managed to wink.

"What's he doing here already?" the newcomer, a brunette, asked. Like the others, she had a tight t-shirt, big smile and ponytail that must have been required by management. When she gave me the once over I remembered I was wearing a flowery kimono and no underwear. Things were about to get awkward.

One of the blondes shrugged, but the other answered, "He arrived ahead of schedule. I might have accidentally programmed the central system to have him brought here first."

"What?"

"Why?"

It was an opportune moment for me to intervene on my behalf before anyone asked me to leave. "I fully approve your decision. This is the most accommodating establishment for drinking that I've ever seen. Much better, I imagine, than the zoo." Whatever the hell that was. Did they have titties and beer? I doubted it.

"It's an old-fashioned bar from the 20th century. Does it make you feel strong and attractive?" the blonde named Mimi (I think) asked.

"Why, yes it does." Anything to make her happy.

"Sisi, you're going to get us in trouble," the brunette said to the blonde who had reprogrammed the system. "What about protocol? Where is Alberta? She supposed to be here. She's the one, who, you know..."

Sisi sniffed. Mimi muttered, "Don't see why she's supposed to have all the fun."

"Speaking of fun, there was a sign outside advertising tit—um, terrific beer to um...drink. How about a spoonful?" I stumbled over asking for the titties. It didn't seem right all of a sudden to ask for a serving of that. The beer, however...

"A spoonful?" asked Mimi, setting the girls giggling again.

"How about a glass, handsome?" Sisi offered. She sashayed around the bar to get a 5 liter glass. She tipped it under a copper tab and before my wondering eyes a rush of gold colored liquid and white foam swirled into the glass.

I must have been caught in a bio-tractor force because I found myself being pulled inexorably to the counter.

"A whole glassful?" Did I have enough dodo meat to pay? She handed it to me. Did anyone care? "All right, then. Bottoms up!"

The ladies' laughter filled my ears as I chugged the beer with manly gusto. With a contented sigh, I set the empty glass on the bar.

"Farrel, do you think I'm pretty?" Mimi asked. She rubbed a bit of fallen foam on the wood.

"Without question, you are one of the three prettiest women I've ever seen besides my family."

"What about me?" Sisi asked from behind the bar. "Would you be my boyfriend?"

"Boyfriend?" I choked a bit. There were all sorts of rules and responsibilities to being a boyfriend – I remembered my mother trying to give me 'The Talk' once. But my older brothers had only ever talked about benefits. "Why certainly!"

She grabbed my kimono and tried to haul my body across the bar. The brunette stopped her with a sort of karate chop.

"Not so fast! What if he wants to be my boyfriend?"

"And me? He thinks I'm pretty!" shouted Mimi, reaching for the back side of my kimono.

It was torn in half and hanging together by the revolver holster and belt less than five seconds later. The ladies wrestled each other to the floor, pulling hair and screeching insults. I halfheartedly tried to referee the match at my feet, but it seemed rather dangerous to get in that mess of pent up estrogen. Hoping there would be a time-out with another round of beer soon, I mumbled platitudes at their wiggling forms.

Mimi managed to extricate herself long enough to climb up my torso and plant a kiss on my lips. She was sweaty and I could taste the salt and something else....I was still trying to place the flavor when a taser beam hit my chest and the world went black.