SFSD-X Short Story Smackdown

1.5 A Honey of a Streamer

Snap, snap. Slap! Snap, snap. Slap!

"Minty toothpaste!" I shouted, placing the taste.

"Oh, Farrel, thank goodness. Tell medic he's coming around and get these droids out of my sight! AI my ass. We don't taser the subject!"

I blinked my gritty eyes because dryness was playing tricks with my vision, or the taser blast had done funny things to my brain. "Mom?"

Slap! "Farrel, I raised you better than to go chasing after three girls at one time," my mom said.

"Yeah, you also told me not to eat people, but after you left I might have roasted a couple of the neighbors after they died of natural causes like bleeding to death. Gunshot wounds were catching until the warlords wiped themselves off the face of the planet. We have bugs in hatches now, it's much better. Besides, how can a man choose just one?"

"Bugs or neighbors to eat?" she asked.

"Girlfriends."

"Good point. Can you sit up? Need to puke or anything?"

I sat up. My mom patted me on the shoulder. I nodded and the world went black again.

****

"Don't slap him anymore, he's red as a nuclear contamination alarm as it is! Farrel? Farrel, can you hear me?" The woman's voice was familiar.

I ran through the short list of female voices I recognized. My mom, the Streamer, Sisi, Mimi, the brunette, and...

"Twila?" I asked. I opened my eyes. My kid sister threw her arms around me. She was all grown up; the ten year old that I knew was a full blown woman. "Hey, how's it going? Aren't you and Mom supposed to be twenty kilometers underground in Mexico?"

My mom scoffed. "No, we just told the men left over in the governments that's where we were holing up in to keep them off our tails. Of course, they all believed us and have been searching in the former US, Mexico and the United European territories ever since. Now, I'd like to get this fiasco cleared up. Who authorized my son's visit to the bar, and where is Alberta? She's his best potential mate."

Mimi, Sisi and the brunette glared at the floor until the brunette pushed one of the twins forward.

"Alberta accidentally locked herself in her room and I thought the bar would be more fun for him. This reintegration program is taking forever! You know, if he needs a couple of procreation practice runs, we are perfectly willing test subjects. Our bio-clocks are ticking, too!"

The three ladies nodded in agreement. A few key words stood out in my mind.

"Wait. Reintegration program, procreation practice runs, mate as in buddy or as in mating mate? ...what's going on here? Did someone drug me?"

"No, Farrel. This is a male assisted procreation and associated co-sex living experiment to find out if some males can be allowed near females without endangering anyone," she said. Turning to Sisi, she continued. "And I won't have my virgin son's first time be a practice run on a barroom floor with three women! I wanted this moment to be special for him."

"How about my first time being a moment my mom isn't watching from a darkened room? And how does that explain the kimono, the jukebox, the lemon tree for crap's sake? And that stupid bath?"

"It's part of the program, Farrel," my sister said. She had a holo-notes out and was writing something on the shimmering pink surface. "Every item is handpicked for the subject to be conducive to his well-being."

"Yes, the program has to keep your hormones, emotions, thoughts and sex drive in perfect balance. This keeps you and the girls safe and happy. If the black dresses upstairs aren't fully convinced this will work, then it's back to the sperm bank for another generation," my mom said.

A collective groan rumbled from every corner of the bar.

"So when do I get to meet Alberta?" I was still willing to do my share. No call to be picky.

"Sorry, this time is a bust. Protocol, virtual forms; it's no go. Alert our humanoider Willard with the new schedule. Farrel, we'll see you again in—"

"Don't say we have to wait six months again!" Mimi wailed.

"This is your sister's fault," my sister said, shaking her head. "No, I think we can try for twenty-three days."

"Does someone have his clothes and card?" Mom asked.

My soiled clothes were presented to me by a droid, along with my Google good-luck card.

"You know about my card?" I asked her.

"Who do you think gave it to you? It's part of the program. And your lovely Streamer to get you here?" She kissed my cheek. "Stay clean. Or cleanish. Change your underwear and we'll see you soon. Start the memory erase process!"

"But, Mom—"

"See you soon!" Twila called. She gave me the thumbs up. "As soon as you pass your tests we can start on new subjects – like ones not related to me!"

"But, Mom—"

A taser blast hit my chest and the world went black.

****

I woke up with one hell of a hangover and a triangle vessel nose right above me. I groaned and rolled over in the dust. A dry lake bed. What the hell did I drink?

A card fell off my chest and I realized I was sleeping under a very shiny Streamer. Images of a smoky bar filled with hairy men and a high stakes game of Giggling Smirnoff filtered through the pounding pain in my head. I won a Streamer. One honey of a Streamer. I whooped. She was gorgeous.

I looked at the card in my hand and saw 'Google Play.'

"My new, antique lucky card. Could my day get any better?"

**** The End! Thank you so much for reading! I included the following items in my story, as per contest rules: Google Playing gift card, Wurlitzer Juke Box, a Colt 1851 Navy Revolver, a lemon tree, and a pink neon sign saying 'titties and beer.' Cheers!