Black Queen (urban)

Insecurities - Chapter 2

(Picture of Amelia in the MM)

"Amelia get up for uni you useless girl. It's almost 8 and you're still here? If I come and find you still in bed when I get there... Hmm, try me!" My mother bellowed from her room. Going to university was the last thing on my mind, how could I attend my lectures in my state? Sometimes I wished I picked a university outside of London so I wouldn't have to deal with her constant nagging and controlling ways but I knew as much as I resented her, I couldn't live without her.. Well I had convinced myself of that. It's not everyday attend uni anyway, some days give yourself a break.

"Mum I can't, I feel sick," I replied in a soft tone, disappointed at how unconvincing I sounded. Leniency was an unfamiliar term in mum's disciplinary book, the only valid reason for time off school was if you were dead and even then, her loud screech of a voice would be pushing you to class in the afterlife.

"Sick? What is sick? I will show you the meaning of sick. I beg my friend, get your lazy self out of my house. The only time I get to spend with myself and darling husband, you kids want to ruin that. If I have to tell you again..," I heard foot movement coming from her room as she rambled on, more so to herself which would have me frightened on a normal day but this wasn't a normal day. I had been hiding under my sheets all night in agony, my skin still felt like it was on fire and if mum saw me she'd go ballistic. She'd spew out some hurtful remarks while silently wallowing in glee for my sorry attempts to look like her and my siblings.

Although mother personally never made any derogatory marks towards my skin, I could sense the great disappointment she felt for having to raise a child who looked like me. It was no secret the way lighter skin was glorified in African communities and I guess she internalised that, we all had. All Ashley had to offer in her mind was her skin complexion in which she boasted on daily as if it was a great accomplishment. Her confidence stemmed from belittling people who she saw beneath her, me included and it only pained me because mother allowed it. It was such a frequent occurrence, the taunting, to the point where it had become the norm in this household, it was expected to happen whether in mum's presence or not. Mum's lip would slightly curl in delight as her daughter would hurl the most venomous speech towards me and any response from me would be seen as unjustified because 'she is younger and you should know better.'  

I had never let it be known that the snide remarks made about my skin had affected me, I couldn't allow them to have that over me. I had sucked it up for many years pretending that it didn't wear on my self esteem but the repeated teasing from family and strangers brought over a dark cloud of negative thoughts that loomed over my head, 'you'd be so much prettier if you were a few shades lighter..' 'Stay out of the sun, you're dark enough as it is..' And I believed them, I could see the difference in attitudes when it came to how people would interact with me and my siblings, there was definitely favouritism involved. So I did what they told me to, I stayed indoors through out the summer and scrubbed away at my skin vigorously every day but nothing changed. I was still the black sheep, the dark skinned outcast that would never receive the same attention as Andre my own twin. I hated the way she paraded him around while keeping me hidden, 3 steps behind; not too close, but close enough to keep her eyes on me.

I just wanted them to love me.

Ha, love, absent and inconceivable in this toxic environment yet this unquenchable thirst for some sort of affection could only be satiated by it. A silent request pleaded by the dark unfiltered passage ways that exposed the most vulnerable side of me. They say your eyes are mirrors to your soul, I believe they are the only honest organs in your body, where your emotions lay bare and exposed like unclothed arms on a winter's night. So why wouldn't she look at them? Surely under her insouciant nature were real human feelings, sympathy included. Just look at me. God, please let it be permissible I would pray each night before sleep.