I Want To Dream Now

Chapter 15 - Letter from Robin

Robin picks up a pen and starts to write.

Dear Diary,

I don't understand. I don't get my brain these days. Nothing, absolutely makes sense to me.

I have a wife. A newborn. A nice apartment. I've a good job going for me. But I'm still unhappy. Why? 

I can't stop thinking about what I've missed out on. I never planned on marrying so young and settling down. I'm 28. Cut me some slack. But no-- responsibilities, responsibilities. I just want to be free, if that makes sense. But no--between bosses, and naggy wives, I don't think there is any happiness for me...

Wrestling. I wish I could go back to wrestling. It was dangerous, but exhilarating. Unleasing the frustration. I can't do that anymore.

Charlene is my escapism within and escapism (her words) I often wonder about her. If she is actually real. I know that she probably isn't, but when I'm with her, I do feel real. More real than ever. The old me. The me before I settled down.

I don't know what I like about her - her youthfulness? The fact she has probably everything going for her. She almost reminds me of me. When I was 18. On-top of the world. Does that make me a pervert? I just find myself attracted to her innocence. Her humor, even. Her warmheartedness. Her courage. Maybe even her politeness, how she will never curse. She's everything basically I'm not. But we get each-other. I don't know why, but we just do.

I wish she were real, then I wish she weren't. If she were, I would have a lot of explaining to do for Nina. But if she was here, I don't know. It would be almost a miracle. I might pursue her, but then I might not. I have my whole family to think about now, not just myself. 

It isn't that easy just to runaway with someone you could be in-love with. There are so many factors to consider, such as, the custody of my child, the divorce with my wife, my job....Wait. What am I thinking? I love Nina...I think.

Sometimes I wonder deep-down if she even loves me. She says she does, but words are at the end of the day, just words. I once was in-love with her. I know I was. But I haven't felt that way in 7 years. Properly in love. She was very beautiful in college, everyone said I was lucky to have someone like her. I listened to them. Like a fool. I let my pride get in the way and they taunts me every single day.

So since then, I've never really thought on my own two feet. I've always followed the pack, like I guess, a little furry sheep.

I don't know where I'm going.

But then, if Charlene were real, whose to say she is who she is? She could be a man pretending to be a girl, right? Oh, I'm losing my head. I need to stop over-thinking things. I need to relax. Charlene is just someone I meet in my dreams....nearly every night. Which doesn't make sense. This only started happening a while ago. Even if she is imaginary, I don't know how I created her. I've never even met anyone like her.

She's perfect, then I realise. Too perfect to be true.

But I don't know how to get rid of her. I'll try, tonight. It is my dreams and head after-all, correct?Otherwise, I'll be even more crazy.

Lets hope things get better. They can only get better, can't they?

Your only Robin.

He closes the journal over, and stuffs it under his bed. He glances over at sleeping Nina, all cuddled up beside him. Robin sighs.

I love her, don't I?

Then her eyes flick open.

Robin's heart skips a beat. She's awake.