Challen and Addy

Chapter 19 (Challen): How Do You Feel

Copyright © 2025 by GroveltoHEA

Grady looked over at me and I was wondering if Addy would introduce us. She didn't, so I walked over to him and held out my hand.

"Hey, I'm Challen," I said.

"Grady," he said, shaking my hand, his eyes trying to puzzle out my presence. "Are you a friend of Addy's?"

"I'm her husband," I said, shooting a look at my wife, wondering if she'd been telling everyone here she was single and I wasn't supposed to tell anyone I was her husband. She wasn't wearing her rings, but I didn't know if it was because of her accident or by choice.

"Oh," Grady said. "I wasn't...I didn't realize you were around here."

"I've been staying out of the way so Addy can focus on her rehab," I said, but inside I was trying not to choke. 

"Did you just come here for the day?"

"No," I said, wondering how to stop this awkward conversation. "I stopped by to bring Addy some more LEGOs."

"Oh, did you drop off the flower LEGOs, too?"

"Yeah," I said, wishing Addy would jump in just in case I was saying things she didn't want me to say.

"We had a great time putting those together. What's this set, Ads?"

Ads? She hated being called anything but Addy.

"It's a LEGO treehouse for all of us to work on."

"Sounds like a challenge," he said, smiling at my wife, then he looked at me, "That's a long drive to see Addy and bring her things every week."

"It's not a long drive. I'm living ten minutes away while she's in rehab."

"Oh." This time Grady's eyes shot to Addy, and I wondered again what she had told him.

"I, uh, can stop by later, Addy," Grady said.

"I can just go," I said, not wanting her to get pissed at me for running Grady off.

"Challen, can you stay?" Addy asked, surprising me. "Grady, I'll see you at dinner."

"See you, Ads," he said. "Nice meeting you, Challen."

"See you soon," I said to him.

He wheeled himself out, and I turned to Addy, wondering what she wanted to talk to me about. I had a feeling it was nothing good.

"You OK?" I asked her.

"Come sit."

I sat next to her at the little table, nervous as hell.

"You don't have to keep bringing me things," she said. "It's nice, and they've been thoughtful gifts, but you don't have to keep showing up out of guilt."

"It's not guilt, Addy," I said softly.

"Challen, please, no more lies."

"I'm not lying."

"Why are you here, then, if not for guilt? Because you sure weren't with me before my accident."

"No, I wasn't," I said evenly. "And I can't ever change that, Addy, much as I wish I could."

"What are you trying to prove?" she sighed.

"I'm not trying to prove anything." How did I put this to her? "I'm trying to fix what I broke, Addy."

"Guilt!"

"Trying to save a marriage for guilt wouldn't work, Addy. It'd be doomed."

"You don't love me."

"I've always loved you. Didn't show it, but I never stopped loving you. What I did stop doing was putting you first, spending time with you, listening to you, fighting for us, working on us."

"And now you want to...why?"

"Because sometimes, you get a wake up call and you realize how much you want what you let slip through your fingers."

"Guilt," she said stubbornly.

"Having my eyes opened isn't even close to the same thing as guilt. My mom asked me when the last time I fell in love with you was. Told her I fell in love with you before I married you, and she said that wasn't good enough because as a married couple, you need to fall in love with each other over and over again."

Her eyes were on me, so I leaned toward her.

"And Mom said you have to keep falling in love with the new people you're becoming and changing into. The man who married you, Addy, isn't the same man I am today, and the woman I married isn't the same woman in front of me today."

"I don't know how to do this, Addy."

It was a month since my father had died, and Addy and I had come out to see his gravestone. My father had been reduced to his name, his birthdate, the date he'd died and a few lines about him being a wonderful husband and father.

"We'll figure it out, Challen."

Your father's still alive. You don't have to figure anything out. 

I realized how stupid that sounded, but it was how I felt. I cringed at that thought popping up in my brain, and I tried to push that bitterness aside, knowing it was the grief talking. The wounds inside my heart wanted me to push people away so they couldn't see how deep and ragged they were.

"He shouldn't be dead." That thought I did voice out loud.

"No, he shouldn't be," she agreed.

I hugged my wife tighter to my side, wanting to feel her warmth next to me. Then I thought of my mother and how Dad would never hug her to his side again, and I felt the anger at my father's death surge up inside of me once again. My father might be gone, but the fury at his death had seemingly become my persistent companion to fill his loss.

"I'm not going to leave you like that, Addy. I'm not going to leave you like Dad left Mom. Her face ever since he died --"

She rubbed her cheek against my chest. "I know, Challen. I know. She's lost right now, but it's still fresh. She'll find her way."

"He shouldn't have left her," I said quietly. "He shouldn't have left us."

"I changed the minute my dad died," I explained to Addy. "I've been thinking so much about when I started to break us, and I know that was the catalyst. And every decision, every choice I made since then has only added to it."

"You loved him, Challen."

"I did. I do." I never knew how to refer to my feelings for my father now. Past? Present? It all felt very much present still.

"We both changed with that loss," I said. "You loved him, too, Addy, and he was the first one of our parents we lost. There was no way we were coming through that unscathed, but I was acting like it was my loss alone because you still had your father."

"I wondered if you were resentful about that."

"At first, it was anger -- I had so much fucking anger -- and that became fear of one of us dying too soon. So I made a plan for us to start working out together so we'd become healthier."

"God, I remember that and wanted no part of it. You wanted to work out your feelings while I just wanted to eat mine."

"The point is, we were becoming different people, Addy. We were changing and not changing in tune with one another. Everyone tells you marriage has its ups and downs, but they don't really tell you what to do during the down times. They don't tell you how important it is to work together during those times. I was pulling away, and you were trying to pull me back to you."

"And I lost that battle."

"But not the war, maybe, if there's a second chance for us. Tell me the truth, Addy: how do you feel about me now?"

She looked down at the table and I braced. "Sometimes, Challen, I think I hate you."