Challen and Addy

Chapter 20 (Challen): The People We Are Today

Copyright © 2025 by GroveltoHEA

When Addy told me she sometimes hated me, I wanted to beg her not to feel that way. Instead, I simply said, "I understand, Addy."

She looked up at me, and I remembered how often I'd gotten that look since my father had died.

Can't you just stay home, Challen?

You just went on a ride yesterday. Why do you need to hike today?

My job doesn't require the overtime like yours does. It's eight o'clock, you just got home and now you need to run?

Tell them you're not working these crazy hours anymore!

Your mom would like to see you this weekend, and I think that's more important than some hike.

I hate that you go on these hikes and rides by yourself, and I'd have no idea if something happened to you. Why do you have to be away so much?

Who is this Jennifer?

"Do you understand, Challen?"

It wasn't a nasty question. Addy wasn't challenging me. It was an honest question. It seemed that she'd opened the window a bit to talk, and although she was on the inside and I was on the outside, the important thing was that it was cracked open.

"Since the accident, I've been thinking about your feelings all the time, Addy, because I sure as hell wasn't thinking about your feelings before the accident. One of the things I keep coming back to is all the reasons you have to hate me and all the reasons you have to love me. Unfortunately, because of my actions, there are a lot more reasons on the hate side."

"It's a terrible feeling. I never hated you before."

"Before my Dad died, I never gave you a reason to. It's like losing him became the dividing line in our marriage, and I've been thinking of that as the before and after."

"I always thought Jennifer was the dividing line." 

She could have delivered that statement in a nasty, sarcastic way, but that wasn't the tone. Addy wasn't being vicious, though she could have been. She was explaining it from her viewpoint and I could understand it.

"She was a huge symptom of the problem and became a huge problem of her own, but things started to fall apart between us before she began working at the company. It was after Dad died that I started losing my grip on our marriage. Work and working out became my focus. And then when Jennifer started, I took more of my focus from you. That meant you weren't getting anything from me, and I'm sorry doesn't begin to cover it, Addy. I should have been focused on you, on being a good husband to you, but I wasn't."

Her fingers played with the edge of the LEGO box as she weighed her next words.

"You know how you eat peanut brittle by breaking off a piece at a time? That's what it felt like you were doing to me, Challen: breaking off pieces of my heart a little at a time. And I tried to get you to pay attention to me, to stay with me, and you refused."

I couldn't have said a word right then if I'd been paid to I was so choked up. So I just listened, which was more important than anything right then since Addy hadn't really wanted to talk this much since her accident.

"My physical therapist said something to me the other day. She told me that in rehab, you had to stop focusing on what was and focus on what is because that was the only way forward. If you're always looking back, you can't deal with the body you have now." Those eyes of hers hit me again. "And I thought that was the perfect analogy for our marriage."

I was pretty sure my heart had plummeted to the other side of the world. This was poised to be really bad, and I dreaded her next words.

"The marriage we had was beautiful," she said, and her eyes were soft as she thought back. "We were playful. We were best friends. We ate dinners together, and I always loved how often you cooked for me, and we watched movies together, went on trips. We treated each other with such care and thoughtfulness that I never thought we'd be on this side of things, that our marriage would be broken beyond --"

"No," I said, touching her fingers briefly. "Please don't finish that sentence."

"Challen," she said sadly. "We have to face reality. Hoping isn't --"

My mind was scrambling. "Why are you here, Addy? Why are you going through rehab?"

She knew immediately what I was about to say. "It's not the same thing."

"No, it's not, no," I hurried on. "But the principle's the same. Your body was broken after the accident and you're here to rebuild your body so it's strong again. And I'm here because I want to show you that I want to rebuild our marriage so it's strong again."

"I just don't see the use."

"Couples try to save their marriages every single day. I don't think it's useless to try if there's even a glimmer of hope."

"I'm saying that I don't understand why you would want to. Given Jennifer and all."

"I never wanted Jennifer like that, Addy."

"How do I believe that when you spent so much time with her? When you preferred to be away from me and be with her because our marriage was in such bad shape?"

"I was avoiding our problems and making them worse and spending entirely too much time with a woman I shouldn't have been. I made horrible, hurtful choices, Addy; I'm not denying any of that. But where am I, Addy? I didn't stay home despite you wanting me to; I followed you here because I wanted to be near you, so I could help you if you needed help. The thought of something happening to you here and you not having anyone near you about killed me. I wanted to be able to support you in whatever way I could. I'm here because I want to fix us, Addy."

"You really think there's something left to fix?"

"I do."

She looked surprised by that.

"You said sometimes you think you hate me."

She nodded, and I hated the sadness that filled her eyes, but I leaned toward her. This was too important to avoid if we were to have any hope of a future together.

"Addy, does that mean sometimes you don't hate me?"

She looked toward the window and didn't say anything, but she swallowed hard. I wasn't sure if it was because the answer was no, actually, I hate you with every fiber of my being every moment of every day or yes, there are tiny milliseconds of time when I don't completely despise you. I couldn't read her now, not like I used to be able to.

"You don't have to answer because I know this is a difficult thing to talk about. You're focusing on rehab, and I've had more time to think. But I'd like to ask you to think about something, something else I've been thinking about. Remember when we fell in love?"

That brought her eyes back to me.

"Of course I do."

"What if we could have a second chance? What if we see if we can fall in love again with the people we've become, the people we are today?"