Kismet

Intro

I don't know how this all started. I was fine once. I remember little me used to be so filled with glee. So optimistic about life and wanting to impress everyone around me. My life was perfect in my eyes.

But right when I thought I had it all, my life wasn't all that I thought it was going to be. There was a sudden click that sent me into a deep spiral of misery. It could have been my brother dying of leukemia or my parents separating .. I just don't know what it was. All I know is that one day the only thing I could do is carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.

But enough of this. I'm entering my junior year of high school and nobody knows my name. I mean, I've tried speaking to people but once I start to speak they come off as hesitant. They would always take one look into my eyes and it was like they knew what I know about myself but understood it even better.

And no one wants to be a part in that.

I know, its pathetic in every single way and that's why I want to change. I told my mom how I felt in the beginning of the Summer hoping for some guidance. I've gotten that and the side effects of it all. I could feel her pity and honestly I wish I would have kept my mouth shut. I was smiling more and I tried not to wear too much black around her but I guess it wasn't too convincing.

She's taken her precious time out to take me to see a therapist, psychiatrist, you name it. I'm even on anti depressants now which make me sleepy and even more sluggish than before. She's trying to help me and I appreciate it but I always feel like there is this pressure to become who I used to be. I'm not her anymore.

I heard her talking on the phone with my dad last night. "I just don't want to see another one of my babies gone" she says. So I guess she feels my depression comes off as a suicide warning. Great.

I think the only other cure to this emotional imbalance is to unravel the me that I'm supposed to be now. To finally start to face reality and not fear not one bit of it.

This all starts tomorrow.

The first day of school.