Until my Last Breath

42

"I don't even know how to explain this," I say, pacing my living room, the weight of confusion pressing down on me. I've just finished recounting my day to Kika and Alex, specifically Kika who had no idea of the story and a storm of emotions swirls inside me, crashing like waves against the shores of my mind.

"It was just... different."

"Different how?" Kika asks, her voice a mix of curiosity and concern, urging me to dig deeper.

"I don't know!" I snap, frustration bubbling over. "Every time I think about him, it's like this suffocating weight in my chest. He never helps to get something out of it; he was genuinely cares, and that scares me! He makes me feel seen, It's like a part of me is awakening, and I've never felt this way about anyone before!"

"I keep replaying it all in my head," I continue, my voice barely a whisper now. "The way he looked at me under the streetlight when he thanked me. His eyes... they didn't look like someone who was just saying goodbye to a friend. They were soft, like..."

"Like he was feeling something," Alex finishes for me, and the words hang in the air, heavy and full of meaning.

"Rita, come on. You're in love with him!" Kika declares, her words echoing in the air, igniting a spark of panic within me.

"What? No!" I protest immediately, heat flooding my cheeks. "That's impossible. He has a girlfriend!"

"Yeah, but think about everything you just said!" Kika counters, her tone insistent. "He was fascinated by you, genuinely interested in your life. That compliment? He meant it! When he said, 'You're amazing,' that was more than just a friendly remark; it was his truth spilling out."

"Maybe he's just being polite," I insist still denying it, shaking my head vehemently. "I can't afford to let myself fall for him. He has a girlfriend. No matter how complicated it is, she's still there. I have my racing career to think about. I can't let feelings-especially love-cloud my judgment!"

"But you're feeling something," Alex presses, urgency in her voice. "You said he makes you feel special, like you matter. That's not just nothing, Rita. That's significant!"

"I DONT WANT TO FEEL ANYTHING FOR HIM! I DONT WANT TO RISK IT. I DONT!" I shout, panic spilling over along with a burst of tears.

"It terrifies me! Love is messy; it's unpredictable. What if I let myself feel something real, and then it all falls apart? The thought of falling in love makes my stomach churn. I can't handle it! What if he leaves me too? What if this is just a replay of my past? I've already lost so much. I never got to say goodbye to my family when they left, and that kind of loss haunts me. I can't lose someone else I care about!"

Suddenly, in the midst of my panic, a tidal wave of clarity crashes over me, overwhelming and electric.

I remember every moment he was around-,the masquerade gala, the way I found him on that balcony when I was on the verge of breaking apart. He had no reason to care, no reason to stay, but he did. He talked to me like I was just a person, not a driver, not someone drowning in expectations, just me. And somehow, that had been enough to pull me back from the edge, how he showed up on my birthday with no hesitation, and how he listened as I shared stories of my racing achievements and the fond memories of my family and then theres every time he became vulnerable in front of me, making me want to help and to take every worry away like he did with me.

I shared stuff with him I never share with anyone, yet i didn't hesitate to tell him, i actually wanted to.

I blink, everything suddenly hitting me like a wave crashing over me, stealing my breath. Every laugh, every shared glance, the warmth of his smile, the late night calls, the way his hand brushed against mine when he handed me the car keys. Every little thing I thought was insignificant suddenly becomes charged with meaning, and my chest tightens. It's all there-every touch, every lingering look. The way he laughed at my jokes, not just politely but like they meant something to him. The way his eyes lit up when we'd catch each other's gaze, as if we were sharing a secret the world couldn't touch. The way he brought me comfort and understood me. The way he stood just a little too close, but I didn't mind because it felt like he belonged there.
I can still hear him laughing with me during our driving lesson, the way he let me win just to see me smile, and that compliment that slipped from his mouth so unconsciously.