Until my Last Breath

45

I can't stop thinking about the kiss.

I didn't plan it; it just... happened. One minute, she was so at ease bantering, and the depth in her eyes was just too mesmerizing , and then her laugh that literally paralyzed me , without even thinking, I leaned in and kissed her. Her lips were soft, warm, and for a second, everything felt right, like I'd finally found what I'd been searching for, even if I didn't know I was looking. She kissed me back-God, she kissed me back. And in that moment, it was like the whole world disappeared. I couldn't hear anything except the sound of my heart pounding in my chest, couldn't feel anything but her, the heat between us, her breath mixing with mine. It was better than I imagined-better than anything.

For just that moment, I wasn't thinking about my so called relationship Amelie, or football, or any of the bullshit around me. It was just us.

It felt like home.

But then she pulled away. And the look on her face... It wasn't regret, but it was fear. She was scared, and I got scared too, like I had pushed too far. She said we couldn't, and I lost it. I lashed out, demanded to know why. And when she mentioned Amelie, it hit me like a brick. Of course, that's what she was thinking. How could I blame her?

But I didn't let her explain. I was too pissed, too hurt. I stormed off like a coward.

"Pablo! Focus!"

Xavis voice cuts through my thoughts. I barely have time to react as Frenkie barrels into me. It's an accident, but it hits at the worst possible moment. I shove him off me, harder than I meant to.

"Calm down, man!" Frenkie shouts, shoving me back, and before I know it, we're in each other's faces. My chest heaves, anger surging through me, but it's not about Frenkie. It's not about football. It's about her. The kiss. The mess I made.

"Pablo, enough! Get off the field!" The coach's voice booms, and I realize I've lost control. I walk off, feeling like a complete idiot. Like I've failed at everything-football, life.

Pedri follows behind, silent but watching me with that worried look. We get to the locker room, and I can't hold it in anymore. I drop onto the bench, hands in my hair, and finally, the words just spill out.

"I kissed her, Pedri," I blurt out, my voice hoarse. "I kissed Rita, and it felt... perfect. But I screwed everything up. I yelled at her, didn't even give her a chance to explain. And now I can't stop thinking about her."

Pedri's quiet, so I keep going. "I can't get her out of my head. Ever since that day i caught her crying in the balcony , I've been... I don't know, man, different. I care about her more than I should. It's like every time I see her, I feel something stronger. I thought it would get easier, but it hasn't. I can't stop thinking about her smile, her hair, her damn eyes... Every time I look into them, I see everything she's been through. I see her pain, but I also see her strength."

I glance at Pedri, but he just nods, letting me talk.

"I can't sleep, I can't focus. Every time I think about her, I feel this... pull. And that night with nike... when we made eye contact while I was dancing with Amelie, I knew it wasn't just normal eye contact. There's something between us, and I can't shake it. It's driving me insane. She makes me feel like I'm losing control, but at the same time, I feel more alive when I'm around her."

"What happened after the kiss?" he asks softly.

"I kissed her, and it felt so right," I whisper, voice barely audible. "But then she pulled away. She was scared. She said we couldn't because of Amelie. But it's not about Amelie, Pedri. It's about how she makes me feel."

I rub my face, trying to keep it together. "I keep replaying everything, every moment we've shared. The way she opened up to me , the way she just happened to show up and comfort me on my birthday when I didn't even ask her to. She just... knew. And the way she looked at me that night in the car and ugh how amazing she looked just by simply drivibg, it wasn't just some girl who was helping me forget about my problems. It was Rita. She sees me, Pedri. She sees through everything, and it scares me how much I want that. I want her."

Pedri sighs, resting a hand on my shoulder. "You've got it bad, hermano. But what are you gonna do?"

I shake my head, feeling lost. "I don't know. I just... I don't know how to fix it."

Pedri sits down next to me, his face calm but concerned. He's been watching me all day, seeing me mess up drills and lose focus.And if anyone can give me good advice. Its Pedri.

"say something Pedro its been driving me insane. so trust me anything will do."

Pedri looks at me for a moment, then leans back against the bench. "what's stopping you from talking to her?"

I shake my head immediately. "It's too late, man. I already messed it up. She's terrified of what this all means, and I can't blame her. I snapped at her, and I didn't let her explain herself. Besides, she's made it clear-she's not ready for any of this."

"But you said she didn't even get to explain herself" Pedri asks..

"The look on her face was enough. I can't force her to feel something she's scared of.."

Pedri frowns, not letting me off that easy. "But you said it wasn't just fear, right? You said she kissed you back. There's something there, Pablo, and you know it."

"Yeah, and then she pushed me away," I mutter, feeling the sting of that moment again. "She said we couldn't because of Amelie."

Pedri sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "Of course, she did. She doesn't know how complicated your thing with Amelie is. From her perspective, you're with someone else, and you kissed her anyway. That's not exactly an easy thing to wrap your head around."

I look away, my jaw clenched. He's right. Of course, Rita doesn't know what's really going on with me and Amelie. How could she? But that doesn't make it any easier. I don't even know how to explain it to her. How do I tell her that what I have with Amelie is barely real without sounding like I'm just making excuses?

"I can't reach out to her, Pedri," I finally say, my voice quieter than I intend. "She's scared of commitment. She's been through so much, and I don't think she's ready for something real. And even if she was, I'm not sure she trusts me enough to actually be with me. How could she? I'm still with Amelie, and she knows it. And god I'd leave Amelie in a heartbeat but you know its not in my power."

Pedri leans forward, elbows on his knees, looking at me seriously. "But that's exactly why you need to talk to her, Pablo. She deserves to know how you feel and where you stand with Amelie. Yeah, maybe she's scared, but who wouldn't be in her position? You've been through a lot, and she's been through a lot, but that doesn't mean you just give up because it's hard."

I shake my head, feeling a weight settle in my chest. "I don't think she's ready to face it, Pedri. And honestly... I don't know if I am either. What if I've already lost my chance?"

Pedri sighs again, clearly frustrated with me. "You're only going to lose your chance if you keep thinking like that. If you care about her-and I know you do-then you have to fight for it. Even if it's hard. Even if she's scared. You both are. But that's not a reason to just let it go."

I feel the pressure building in my chest, the fear that's been gnawing at me since the night I kissed her. I want to reach out to her, but the thought of hearing her tell me she's not ready, or worse, that she doesn't want me, is too much. I already snapped at her once. I don't want to make things worse.

"She deserves better," I mutter under my breath, barely able to look Pedri in the eye.

"She deserves honesty," Pedri counters firmly. "And so do you. You can't just keep avoiding this. You can't keep pretending it'll go away because it won't. You like her, and she likes you. Don't let Amelie or fear or whatever else get in the way of that."

I look at Pedri, feeling torn between what I know he's right about and what I'm terrified of facing. I want to reach out to Rita, but every time I think about it, I freeze. I'm scared of what she'll say, of what I might say.

"Just talk to her, man," Pedri says one last time, giving me a pat on the shoulder. "You owe it to yourself. You owe it to her."

I don't respond, just stare down at my hands, knowing I'm still not ready to take that step. Not yet.