Hazy Nights

April 5, 2015 11:18 PM

As I stare at my phone, I think of how sad I am. Sometimes I don't want to get up in the mornings.
Sometimes I don't want to try to look presentable.
Sometimes I don't care anymore.
Sometimes things just suck and I don't want to do anything.

While I realize that everything will be okay in the end, and now is not the end, I sometimes wish that people would just leave me alone.

I sometimes hate people.

I sometimes hate myself.

In all honesty, I'm not happy at all. I haven't been happy in a long period of time. Months, years maybe. Yes, there are times where I'm so happy that I'm going to fall off the face of the earth, but this only occurs when I'm with others. -- you see, when I'm alone, that's when the sadness kicks in. I'm forced to think about my problems. I'm forced to look at myself long and hard and see every single one of my flaws. Yes, I have a roof over my head. Yes, I have food everyday. Yes, I have people who love me, but just because I have these things doesn't mean I can't be unhappy. I'm human. I'm sorry that I forgot to bring my literal black cloud with me today. Yeah, I have more than some, but what does that have anything to do with how one feels?

If you had a new Lamborghini, but you had no one to show it to, would it still be worth it? If you got a brand new mansion, but had no one to share it with, would you still feel at home? It's not the quantity of what we have, it's the quality. I'd rather have one solid ground to stand on rather than tens of thousands of grounds that are all fragile.

These grounds are like people. I'd rather have friends that I can count on, rather than having friends that only like you because of your money, or your looks, or anything like that. I know I have a boyfriend, and I know that he cares, buts that's only sometimes. He would be fine if I was to die. My family would be fine. My friends would be fine because I do not matter. I don't have a reason to try. I don't have a motive to go on. I have no need to continue fighting because there's nothing left to fight for. My boyfriend is always mad at me for something that i didn't even know I couldn't do or say. My parents never think I'm good enough, that my trying hard isn't trying hard enough. My friends are never there for me when I need them, the very few I actually have. I think i, myself, am a disgrace to mankind. I don't think I deserve to live anymore. Then again, I haven't believed that in 4 years.

How lovely the silence is.

Don't you just love it? - The silence. It's peaceful, isn't it?

I never hear silence. All I hear is the thoughts racing through my mind of how worthless and redundant I am. I hunger for silence. I ache for acknowledgment. I cry for someone to care about me, but how is one to care for me if I don't even care for myself.

I am so sorry that I'm a disgrace. I am so sorry that I'm an idiot. I am so sorry that I'm not good enough. I'm so fucking sorry that I can't do anything right. I'm so fucking sorry.

I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to ruin anyone's life. I don't want to drag people down with me. why do you think I always want to be alone? I just keep falling deeper and deeper into this hole I dug myself and I'm trying to get out, I just don't know how. I keep trying and trying and trying and trying but then I just find myself crying and crying and crying and crying.