The Italian Devil
Chapter One
Marco Donati's POV
If this is the Italian name you're going for, I'm putting a sin to this. You don't make your protagonist Italian and slap "Marco" into his name just because there's an Italian city named after Marco Polo. - 1
"Come again?" The toast that was hanging from my mouth nearly dropped back onto my plate as I asked my father to repeat his statement. I think I misheard the old man or I just have an attention span of a goldfish.
Great way to start a book. Beautiful first impression with the protagonist, because pointing out that he has no attention span and that he should be compared to a goldfish is awesome. Also, you don't "mishear or have the attention span of a goldfish", it's just one. Either you misheard him or not. Points for effort of humor though. - 1
Silence filled the dining room as I narrowed my eye-brows at my father. I have to admit, for a sixty-eight year old, he's looking pretty young. He still has some age lines here and there but some people even might mistake him as forty.
I don't know what disturbs me the most. The fact that there is a hyphen between 'eye' and 'brows' or the fact that our protagonist is possibly in his teens and his father is sixty-eight. - 1
I placed my toast that was hanging from my mouth a few seconds ago back down on my plate which was half bitten. "Nice one, old man. You really fooled me there."
This paragraph is brought to you by comas. Wait, no, that's a lie because there are no comas. Except for when he spoke. - 1
-too long-
The word "joke" is used WAY too many times in the last three paragraphs! A sin for each time it's mentioned. - 7
"So I am taking over your companies?" ...
...A slow grin appeared on my face. I am taking over my father's companies. Didn't hear that? I am taking over my father's companies.
YES, we heard like 3 times already! - 1
"And when do I start?" Soon as possible I hope.
He's actually excited about his father being in such a bad condition he's handing over his companies!
Heard that?
He's okay with dad-o dying. - 1
"Marco, don't you get tired of bedding all those women?"
Oh hush, you're being overdramatic. He's AT LEAST knocked up ten of them! - 1
"Father, I am not finding of bride end of story." I snapped, bitting harshly into my toast.
"Father, I am not finding of bride end of story."
Oh, you Italians!
Also, it's biting, not bitting. ;) - 1
I snorted with laughter. "All woman I have met are gold-diggers who are just in for my money not my heart. Plus, there are thousands of beautifully women begging to have me, why just stick with one?"
Oh nooo, they're not all like that! There's one girl, probably named Emma or Kylie, and she loathes you! But instead of being the stupid, Italian brat that you are and ignore her, you decide to marry her! - 1
"Is there a point to this story?" I asked flatly. I heard my mother and father say this story too many times.
If you've heard your mother and father say this over and over then I don't think there's really a need to ask that. - 1
-too long. They say mistress way too much.-
Mistress. Bahahahah. - 1
"Your cousins, they can take over. They not be a Donati per say, but we do share the same blood though." The old man smirks wickedly.
Per say is used as "for example". Seriously, no one is going to split their brains open for you just to pick their way around your typos to read this. If you're too lazy to go back and fix things, then I feel I shouldn't waste my time reading this. - 1
Total Chapter Sins: 18
Want me to go on to Chapter 2? Tell me below!
