clementines. 🍂 a jean kirstein collection

forwards, beckon, rebound.

summary ; falling in love with jean kirstein was too easy. realizing and living with it, however, was more difficult than ripping your own heart out of your chest - veins and all.

warnings ;  unrequited? love, mentions of alcohol at the end, a little angsty.

a/n ; im not doing well LMFAO its okay guys...its okay.... i have another thing im going to post tn before going on an undecidedly long hiatus so!! i hope you guys enjoy this <3that being said i think college will be the death of me
also mini thank you to @\samepictureofjeankirsteveryday on instagram!! i wasnt going to post this fic originally but she lowkey made me want this baby to see the light of day :3
middle tile art creds to ppushable on tumblr!

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Falling in love with jean kirstein wasn't too much of a task.

Realising you were in love with jean kirstein, however, proved to be a big one.

You dont realise it at first. Of course not, that would be too easy and stupid. You couldn't give yourself the permission to do that - to intrude on someone else's life so easily without guilt; because liking someone, romantically or platonically, has always been a selfish act, one that you were hesitant to commit. It felt like a crime, really. The first time he sat next to you on the couch despite there being more than enough room on the other side of it, cushions perfectly clean and waiting, he sat next to you.

Nothing came out of it. He sat next to you the whole night - the first night you two got close and talked about your stupid lives even after everyone had called it a night, with two glasses empty of any beverage, already long gone under inattentive care, because you'd rather look at him. His hand was in the air, actions drawing themselves in the space around him, claiming the place to be his without hesitation. He'd say something, you'd make a bad joke, he'd stifle a laugh and lie through his teeth about it not being funny. You'd say something unimportant, his elbow would be on the back cushions of the couch, supporting his head, hand tangling through his hair - not that you were staring at it when your eyes pleaded for something else to focus on. He'd lick his lips absentmindedly, nodding to your story. He'd make a silly, offhanded comment that you'd milk out into another joke, and he'd stutter his responses. The night went on, drowsily, and you decided to reluctantly surrendered to sleep as his eyes slipped closed to your voice, head directly on the back cushions. As if he had forgotten the conversation that occurred two minutes ago - "And.. i mean, yeah, i get it, but- are you.. Are you falling asleep?"

"No, no. of course not. Just... resting my head. Go on."

"Your voice just got deeper, man, stop lying-"

"No! Im.. im serious. Im listening. Keep going."

"Right,"

"Come on, i wanna hear you."

"... oh. Right, so then...uh."

"Mhm."

"Uhm...right so, i got, what she was saying, but then again, why would she need to-"

And the conversation followed with just you speaking, a little hushed, pretending not to notice how his breathing evened itself out completely, his finger twitching every so often. Pretending not to notice, really, because that's all you'd been doing all this while.

That was your first offense, you suppose. Pretending the love wasn't there. Pretending he isn't this easy to love, this easy to find your way back to. His presence was the one thing you looked forward to with each large group hangout until it was just the two of you - he'd asked you to accompany him going grocery shopping. "Connie wants some stupid fucking water gun."