❀ J U L I A ❀
It felt like my heart was racing so hard that my chest was going to explode, and I couldn't figure out for the life of me why my heart monitor wasn't beeping wildly out of control.
I hated how I felt around Ashton and how he made me rethink everything I'd ever thought about myself, and I hated how he made me weak when I'd tried so hard to create the illusion that I was strong. Everything had changed when I met him, and I wasn't sure if it was for better or for worse.
I could hear his deep, shaky breaths as he prepared himself to say something, but I didn't want to hear it. There was nothing more left to say, and pretending there was would just be fooling the both of us.
"Julia," He began, his voice scratchy and worn. "I- God, I fucked up. What am I doing?"
There was a muted thump and a heavy sigh.
"I'm talking to your lifeless body, like you can fucking hear me or something. People always do this in the films, like the one you made me watch, the one with Chloe Mörtez."
I hated that I remembered that day so vividly. I'd forced him to see one of my favourite films, and bet him money that he would cry at least half an hour in. Within ten minutes, he had buried his head into my shoulder, and I wanted to tell him that I was only unconscious, not in a life or death coma like the main character in If I Stay.
He paused.
"I don't know how I fucked this up so bad, how I fucked us up so bad... I took everything for granted. I wasn't ready for commitment or I just wasn't taking it seriously, I don't know. You scared me, I guess, in the way that I realized, you could be the one that I-"
"Okay, time's up, get out." Rachel's sharp voice approached, and I could hear other footsteps following quickly on her heels. Inwardly, I cursed her entrance and wondered what Ashton was going to say next.
The one that he...
"Vogu- I mean, Rachel..." Calum stumbled on his words, and it was the first time I'd ever heard him sound truly flustered. "Just give him a few more minutes to get out what he needs to say."
"It's fine," Ashton said shortly. "It's not like she can hear me anyway."
It wasn't long until two sets of footsteps faded away, and there was only silence.
My heart monitor beeped steadily and I waited for the lone, unknown person in the room to say something. The minutes ticked by, and my hearing began to fade in and out. I wondered if this was how it felt to transition into complete oblivion again.
Finally, I heard the faintest of voices before I submerged into dark, loud silence.
"I'm sorry."
And strangely enough, the voice belonged to Rachel.
❀❀❀
There is something both restricting and relieving about hearing something you had always feared, yet suspected.
In my case, it was, "You need help."
As soon as the words came out of the doctor's mouth, the first thing I felt was denial even though I inwardly knew they were true.
"No way," I shook my head, "I just have attacks sometimes, but it's not often enough-"
"Panic attacks are a common symptom of anxiety," She said softly. Her eyes were gentle and understanding, and I hated that too. "As is excessive feelings of dread and fear, restlessness, a pounding heart, nausea, headaches, fatigue, dizziness and insomnia - all symptoms that your friend has described you to often emit."
I peered around the doctor to glare at Rachel, who held her hands up in surrender.
"It's okay to admit that you aren't okay, Julia." She said quietly.
I bit the inside of my cheek, suddenly trying very hard not to cry.
"She's right," The doctor spoke. My eyes darted down to her name tag - Dr. Tsing. "Anxiety may be different for everyone, but you aren't the only one feeling this way. Those feelings of fear and dread? The attacks? I can't guarantee that they'll fully go away, but we can certainly diminish the amount of times they happen through certain techniques and some medications I can prescribe for you."
My eyes darted around the room, feeling like the walls were enclosing in on me each time I took a breath. I felt the ever familiar feeling of nausea that the doctor had described, and closed my eyes, trying to control my breathing.
"Can I... have a minute?" I mustered, hating myself for the tears that sprung to my eyes as I grew increasingly more hysterical at the thought of having an attack in front of my doctor.
"We're going to try something now, okay Julia?" Dr. Tsing's voice was soft; soothing. "Inhale deeply from your diaphragm, count to three, exhale. Your shoulders are tense, now relax them."
I did as she said for several minutes until I began to breathe normally again, and the buzzing presence of dread slowly but surely drained out of me.
"Rachel taught me that technique," I mumbled.
"Well, your friend is very smart."
Rachel shot me a look, as if to say, Way to state the obvious.
The doctor scribbled something onto her clipboard hurriedly before ripping it off and handing it to me.
"This is a prescription for Buspirone for your generalized anxiety. Take it twice a week," She instructed before leaving the room. I took one look at the tiny piece of paper in my hands before meeting eyes with Rachel. There was a feeling in my stomach that felt very unfamiliar.
Relief.
Before I could stop it, a sob slipped out of my lips before the tears just couldn't stop. I felt my friend's arms pull me into a gentle hug and rub my back softly.
"Everything's going to be okay, Julia."
And for once, I believed that maybe those words could be true after all.
❀❀❀
:(: i got anxiety while writing about julia's anxiety so sorry if this seems rushed lol
Q: if you experience anxiety, what coping mechanisms work for you? will #jashton ever be real again?
-rach xo
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stutter » a. irwin
Fanfiction[one] in which a drummer and a songwriter find common interest in a coffee shop - along with something more that neither of them could have ever expected.
