Eva Marie

Chapter 5

How I began to self harm is insanely blurry because I started so young. I believe I was 6 years old. I do know, however, that I always harmed out of anger. And I harmed for about 9 years.
I believe I started once I found out about it. I mean I was 6 so I guess it was just because my mom told me not to because its bad for me. I should've listened to her because I regret it so much.
I remember I thought that self harm was only when you use a blade and you cut. I was only going to do it was too just to see how it was. At first it didn't affect me but, I did it again out of anger.
I constantly kept doing it and then I became a master at hiding it. I never used a blade. I would only dig my nails into me. But then that didn't do anything for me and I craved more.
When I stopped I was at the point where I'd dig my nails into me, scratch my entire body, punch things, throw things, dig things under my nails and I'd choke myself. I highly warn you to never try self harm because truth is it really is addicting and I'm going to feel this my entire life. And if you do harm, people will help you I promise. There's no gain with harming.
I remember telling my mom about me harming. I was sobbing because I was so ashamed. But I don't regret it because I felt as if 1000 pounds were lifted from me. After I told her she hugged me and said "You only have one life and one body, don't ruin that. I love you." And then she begged to see my arms. I didn't have scars and I told her that too.
Please never turn to harming as a way to temporary end your pain. I keep a book where I draw and write my feelings. I most definitely suggest you all to try that.