So this isnt a chapter... Ive been trying to write... But i have no clue what to write... As it is... I owe you all an explanation. Even my friends and co writers from @CosmiCCollabs dont know the full story... So... Here it goes...
I have been fighting (arguing) alot with my mother as of late... Like... A lot... Lets take a look back to when this all started... December 8, 2014. The day i came out as gay to her. I have known my whole life that i was different. It wasnt until i was 11 i learned why. And last year, i told her why. At first she said it was fine. As long as i didnt bring that lifestyle into her house. I thought i was in the clear. I told friends she was fine, as i thought she was. I should have known better by what she said. About a month ago, during one of our fights, she told me "consider yourself lucky. Most gays dont get to keep their family. Your lucky i still love you." and my heart stopped. I decided she was right. I should think myself lucky. So i denied my sexuality. Told myself
it was a phase and i would one day marry the right girl. I knew it was a lie. I identify as aromantic. Meaning i don't experience the same romantic attraction as other people. But she couldnt deal with the possibility of me ending up with a girl, how would she react to finding out i wont end up with anyone? So i lied. I faked relationships around the house so she would assume i was 'normal'. And it worked. But i was breaking inside because i was in the middle of two bad places. The first being giving her false hope that i would be happily married one day, and the latter being, made to doubt who i am. I have been told by just about everyone that i have to wait for the right person. That i will find the person im meant to be with. And yeah bieasure is a thing... But so is the blatant disregard of aromanticism. In the straight community, as well as in the LGBTQ+ community. No matter where i turned, i was told "just wait and see, you will find the right person" so much, that i forced myself into a Relationship with a Close friend just so i could say "i have a girlfriend!" and people would leave me alone.
The truth is... I dont want any of that. I dont want a relationship. Im happy by myself. Im actually borderline relationship repulsed! Anyway... All of this started taking its toll on me. The fighting between my mom and i got worse. To the point where i no longer wanted her hugs, i didnt even want to be around her! So i moved out. (im an adult hush) upon moving out, i was constantly called back to the house so much, it was like i never left. And at first, we were fine. The fighting died down and we were able to talk to eachother like normal humans. Until one day, we just... Couldnt.
Eventually, the fighting came back with a vengance. She told me i was using her(i asked for hardly Anything a child would ask for) and wattpad was for kids and i need to move on and all this stuff. Eventually, i lost it. I told her that there where things about me she would never understand and she should leave it be. The day i made the choise to move out, we had been fighting about school. Im in college. She doesnt pay for it, i do. But she wAnted control where it wasnt hers to take and i decided i didnt have to take it anymore so i left. But then.... The apocalypse happened.
Earlier this week, we began fighting again. And it was the worst its ever been. A lot of hurtful things where said between the two of us that would determine the rest of our relationship, or lack therof. It ended with me being told to never step foot back into her house again. So i caught a cab and left. Since then, i have realized thaT i have indeed lost my mother. I am now a motherless child if you will. And the thought broke me. I feel the hurt deep in my soul. Shining through my body so forcefully my skin shows the hurt.
So after all that... I think its time to be honest. Im not ok. I haven't been for a while. VS was born because i wasnt ok. But now im alone. And i can barely right for VS now. I just wanted to let you guys know whats been going on. Thanks for tuning in.
Name a dot i guess...
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Sam
