Hi guys....
Um.... for those of you who follow me on social media, you know a lot happend and I kind of vanished for two weeks...
Well... here's what happened.
Three weeks ago... I got into a situation with a close friend that kind of pushed me past my break in point, and I found myself looking at "Suicide Prevention" videos... and I got through it. But then... on November 14 it all came crashing down.
After everything thats been going on with me, my living space, as well as a very important friendship, became compromised. And I lost it.
In my head I was losing too much too fast. My family, my home, my mobility, my job, my writing contract, my independence, my sight, and now, my most trusted friend, and my new home. And i got tired. I decided right then and there i was done. I couldn't take it anymore.
So at 11:45 pm I walked away from everything and said "this is it. Its all over now." I walked to the desert (tripping over every fucking curb) and sat down. And then... I slit my wrist. And blood started pooling out... my heart was pounding so hard I thought I was gonna have an actual heart attack and die that way.
I laid down and felt the blood soaking into my pants where left my wrist. And I thought of everything i would be leaving behind. And it hurt... but it was no match for my declining will to live. And I started shaking. Hard. I didnt know of was because of the cold (it was around seven degrees Celsius) or if I was actually dying.
I looked up at the sky and because of my lack of sight I couldn't see the stars. And i thought how cruel. Deny a dying person one last glimpse of the Stars.
And then i got dizzy, and it got hard to breathe but my wrist didnt seem to be push in anymore blood out. So I looked and I saw that blood had congealed and upon touching it... it had all but frozen. The cold weather making it slow. And I brought my hands up to my face and realized I couldn't touch them. And I broke down cus I couldnt even die right. So I sat up and grabbed my razor intending to reopen the cut, but my phone rang. It was my brother. He talked me down and told me to get him at whatever cost. And I spent 20 minutes fighting him on it. But eventually I agreed and hoisted myself up. It took Time as I felt like I was going to pass out. But I did it. What took 5 minutes to reach now took me 30 minutes to leave.
I dont remember much of what happened after... but I ended up in hospital with my wrist patched up. I stayed in recovery for 2 days and on suicide watch for the remaining five.
When I got out.. I told my co writers from CosmiCCollabs what happened. And since then... I've been on leave... so... im getting into therapy... im learning to walk with a cane and im gonna get better... once i learn how to type on my computer again im going to resume VS. But for now... I cant see it to write. And i need to get better. So... until next time...
Name a dot.
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I love you guys.
-Sam
