Never Grow Up | a Taylor Swift adoption story

*+* You have no room in your dreams for regrets *+*

Tw - suicidal thoughts/mentions of ed and sh

Ali's POV:
I helped my sister to do her hair,although she is usually capable of brushing her hair herself and maybe putting it in a ponytail if she wanted,it was the day a mystery person is visiting to possibly adopt somebody here.She asked me to do two French braids on her which,although it was a struggle at first,I managed to do - quite well I might add - and I curled the ends for her too,something she was very happy about as she loves having her hair done nicely.

I also helped her pick a nice outfit,we both don't really have much to chose from in our wardrobes however we made it work and in the end she was happy with her light pink skirt and peppa pig top.

Although lately I've not cared much about anything other than the number on the scales at the end of each day,I wanted to put an effort in for my sister as in our care home any possible new parent is forced to adopt siblings together as to not separate them.

So,I used a proper curl routine on my hair and wore my natural curls for the day,although my outfit may be a basic hoodie and leggings I find that my natural hair is something I wear more on 'special' occasions,since it's something I'm not used to.

Once me and her were both ready it was 12pm,the first visitor had been and gone,meaning our chance of adoption was already extremely low.

The other person was due to arrive at 1pm, however we were told as she has a busy schedule before her appointment she could easily run late.So,me and my sister went and sat in the living room,I turned the tv onto Disney channel for her and I plugged my old AirPods into my phone and decided to play my favourite album,
midnights.

Once the time reached 2pm i automatically assumed that it was another no show and me and my sister had just lost all chances of adoption.
My sister's hopes were still high though,I couldn't put her emotions below mine though so I decided to leave the living area and head up to our room and try to compose my emotions.

I sat down on my bed and allowed a few tears to fall before wiping them away again.

However,you can't wipe away thoughts just like that meaning my mind was still flooded with words there to bring me down.

We'd been in this horrid system for years now,before our dad couldn't take care of us life was pretty good.Of course my sister can't remember any of it as she was only 1 when we were placed in the system due to improper care from our father,but I do remember the amount of times he tried so hard after my moms death and I don't blame him for beginning his long addiction to drugs,however there were so many better ways he could've helped his feelings.I do always try to remember the good memories with him I've got though.

Although I know our placement in the system isn't my fault,I can't help but think it's my fault we haven't been adopted yet,and how I'm the reason our foster homes give up on us so quickly.

These thoughts blocked out the entire world for a while,however I was snapped back into reality by my sister jumping onto my bed.

'Ali!Shes here!Taytay is here,she is adopting somebody!'She almost shouted,struggling to catch her breath as she excitedly smiled at me,her grin almost reaching her ears.

'What?Theres no way Taylor is actually here pops!'

'Come with me!I'll show you for realsies she is here!'

As we walked down the stairs hand in hand,her guiding me my mind raced with thoughts,although I pushed them all to the side as chances are it's just another blonde woman with bangs.

Once we walked into the living area my jaw almost dropped,there she was.The woman who had saved me countless times.The one who had just been actively going out of her way to interact with me online.And she was in the same room as me.

Too scared to speak I sat down in the corner of the room on my favourite chair whilst my sister ran up to her excitedly,although I was excited too I didn't want to get my hopes up as the older children were told that she would want to spend time with them first before making a decision however she apparently already had an idea of who she'd like to adopt.

Around an hour had passed when I was called down to the office,greeted by Ashley who was putting on her obviously fake act of kindness once again.

'So,for whatever reason Miss Swift here has decided she'd like to adopt you and your sister,however we need your consent first and we need to go over a few terms for the next month.'
She spoke coldly,glaring at me with an unpleasant look in her eye before we entered the office.

'Yes ma'am I know the rules.' I replied,my head remaining down as to not anger her,I would still be living here for the next month after all.

As we entered the office I smelt a lovely scent,
before realising it was Taylor's perfume.

'Hi sweetie!' She greeted me with a wide smile,a sound of genuine kindness in her voice.

'hi Miss Swift' I replied,staring at the floor.She may have been my idol for over ten years however I'm still infront of Ashley and I cannot risk stepping out of line,especially infront of Taylor.

'So,Allison.Would you be okay with Miss Swift adopting you and your sister then?' Ashley spoke up,not giving me even a minute to take in this situation.

'Yes,but please may I go back to my room now I'm extremely tired ma'am.'

'Fine you may be excused,Miss Swift is set to spend around three days out of each week till next month with you or your sister,possibly even both however she said she wants to get to know you individually first.'

I simply nodded at her response,knowing better to reply as one wrong word could result in an injury later on.

Once in my room again I noticed my sister peacefully sleeping,without a care in the world - probably just dreaming about how much fun she'll have tomorrow playing with her friends, no room in her dreams for regrets.

However the peacefulness of the day was interrupted,I remembered how a few minutes ago I managed to force myself to eat something,although small,I still felt the familiar urge once again.

I rushed to the bathroom and began to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet,the feeling will always be as horrid as the first time I ever tried this.

I sat on the cold floor,back against the wall resting my head on my knees.I allowed my tears to fall freely now without any worries.

These days it's been getting a lot worse,the thoughts won't stop anymore and it's really making me think how the world would be a great deal better off without me taking up space here.
I've also not been able to stay clean for more than two days,my wrists are constantly covered with fresh marks and I'm genuinely losing it right now.

I feel as if I'm gaining weight rather than losing it,although when I see myself in the mirror I know how pale I am and how thin I've gotten,the comments that are constantly made about my body and appearance make me think otherwise.

So now it's lead me to one final question.

should I just kill myself?