Footprints

thirteen

One week. Seven days.

Yesterday was the last day of school and we had a farewell party for me that evening. I had to say goodbye to all my friends. I cried so much, more than I had cried in a long, long time. Probably the most I've ever cried in just one evening. But it was so sad. Not the kind of sad that you get when your favorite pair of jeans is too small, or when you get a bad grade on a test that you spent a lot of time studying for. No, nothing like that. Its something more, something deeper. It's a sort of aching pain in your heart that doesn't go away for a while. I don't think it ever goes away, it just dulls over time. It's a heavy, genuine sadness, and it's exactly what I felt last night, and still am feeling right now as I write this.

The party was a lot of fun, but near the end, when everyone started to leave, that's when I realized: I am actually going home, I am actually going to leave Germany. I don't think it has hit me all the way yet, but it definitely did last night, at least a little bit. For some reason, it still feels like I will go back to school again on Monday, see all my friends, and live my regular routine that I've gotten used to this year. I don't think it will really hit me until I'm in my plane, flying back to the U.S., away from Germany...and that's the hardest part.

I was terribly sad when everyone left, but I probably cried the most when Anna and Lena left, the two closest friends that I've made here. They had to take the bus back home, so we walked down to wait at the stop together. I was such a mess. We kept standing there, hugging and crying, not wanting to go our separate ways. I had never seen them cry that much. At one point, someone made a joke, maybe it was me but I can't remember now, and we tried to laugh through our tears. In that moment all I wanted to do was stay there, laughing, crying, and hugging them forever, never letting go, but the bus came and we had to say our goodbyes. I waved to them until they were out of sight.

Other than the sad moments, this past week has been amazing. Over the weekend we had two birthday parties that we went to. It was especially fun at the first one when we all went barefoot into a small creek, walked in it for a while, and then took pictures. Even now, thinking back to it, I smile just because of how much fun it was. I will hold that memory close for as long as I can.

On Tuesday, the day before the last day of school, we went canoeing in Ulm. I was in a canoe with Anna and Lena and I had the time of my life. The weather wasn't the best, and I got pretty wet, but just like walking in the creek together with my friends, it was simply a lot of fun. We got in behind quite a few canoes when we started, but we kept passing them over time and finished first, although it wasn't a race. Others had tried to tip us over but we got away. Some guys from our class actually did fall in near the end. It was hilarious, but probably very cold for them. I wish I could go back and do it all over again. It was the best way to end the school year.

Everything has just gone by incredibly fast and it's all slowly coming to realization. I have a thousand thoughts and a thousand different feelings inside of me, I don't know what to think or how to feel. I can't even describe it because I can't make sense of it myself. It's all so overwhelming. I have felt many, many things while I've been here, and a large portion of it was loneliness, but last night made me realize that I had no reason to be lonely. I have a host family that's always looking out for me and so many friends that care for me, and I only began to truly realize that yesterday. I never would have thought that people liked me that much after only a year, and that's what made me cry the most. I was so thankful for the people I had met, and I didn't want to let them go. I wish I could go back to all the times where I was shy, or uncertain, or distant, and just be myself, but at least I learned to open up as the year passed by. Goodbyes are bittersweet, especially the ones I had to say to my friends last night. But everything ends eventually, and I new my time to leave would come.

I still have one more week before I leave. Tomorrow morning, we are going to Paris for the weekend. We come back on Sunday evening, and then I'll have to start packing for home. It's going to go by in a blur, just as everything else has, but I'm going to savor my last moments as much as I can.