Footprints

five

I walk home alone, humming to myself and eating a pretzel I bought from the bakery. Lea has extra classes today, so she will get out later than me. I watch the october leaves drift from the branches of trees and settle onto the pavement, making a carpet. An old woman crosses the street. A group of friends chase each other down the road, pushing and laughing. I smile as I watch them turn the corner, wishing I was one of them; carefree, confident.

I have always admired people with confidence. The people who don't care what others think, act how they want. There aren't enough people like that in the world. I don't have much confidence because I get embarrassed so easily, but I wish I did. I think coming to Germany has changed me. Now I've seen more of the world, I'm living in a different life. I have learned about language, culture, and people. I wonder what it would be like if I was back home- with school and relationships and activities. I see people I went to school with post things on facebook. They are always with friends, smiling, and having a good time. My heart drops whenever I see them, like I've been forgotten or left behind.

Sometimes living here is just so hard. It's amazing, but every day I'm exhausted from trying to comprehend German. And then people laugh when I try to say something, when I pronounce a word wrong or use the incorrect grammar. They don't do it intentionally of course, but it's different when you are the person trying to communicate correctly, and all you get is laughter. It hurts. I think people don't really understand to respect others when it comes to language, until they've been in a similar position. It's not easy, learning how to do that, but then again, nothing is easy.

Every day is getting a little bit better. I learn new words and speak new sentences. It's like when your a child; they don't know how to speak yet so all they can do is cry or laugh or whine. They want to use words so badly so they can tell you what they need, but they just can't. It's impossible. It's like being stuck inside an incooperative body with a brain that already has wheels turning inside. That is how I feel at times. People say in another month I will be able to communicate much better, and ususally I believe them.

I don't know what I am waiting for, counting every day. I'm not counting down the days, I'm just counting to the day where living here is easy. Well not easy, but certainly not so hard. Here everything is going by so fast, sometimes I think it was just an hour ago when I arrived. Other times it feels like years. I wonder if time is flying this fast in Washington, or if it's just my mind playing tricks. Maybe it is both, and maybe I'll never know. I have too many questions. My head might explode. I don't regret becoming an exchange student, though, because I know this experience will be with me for years to come.

Autumn is so beautiful, but it makes me so sad; everything is dying. This is life. We are born, and then we die. In fact the minute we are born, we have begun to die. If you were dying right now, what would you do in your last moments? Well, you are dying now, we all are, very slowly. We have to get out there and discover things while we still can.

What I love most about autumn are the leaves. Every one a different color, a different shape and pattern. A different story. They remind me of memories. Memories that cling to you for a while, and then eventually just let go, drifting and carried off in the wind. I wonder what memories I will keep throughout my life, and what ones I will let go of. Memories are some of the most precious things.