Cloudless Sky: Random Thoughts of an Only Child

Exile

My mind is always mess, always thinking a lot of unruly and unnecessary things to begin with. One is writing right now, I am just letting whatever comes to me right at this moment, but questions are popping and disappearing inside my mind, ideas come and go. 

The only child syndrome, is a stereotypical thinking that an only child has a set of negative perceived traits than those who has siblings, well I have it. I am alone and lonely at the same time. 

I do not know why but growing up I had a certain awareness and confusion as to why I was always left out, alone. There are times I  find myself alone, going to school early or when leaving the school going home. I was always contemplating as to how is it having someone that is the same to you, like having a connection, a deep one, that surpasses whatever existence may it be. Having the same parents, having someone that looks or does not look like you, having the same blood through your veins. They say it is a blessing being an only child but most people slaps it to your face as if it is the most horrible thing to be. 

 I struggled a lot, especially in friendship. When I was in the early stages of my elementary education I had two male bestfriends and they're both only children too, but years later on the other one had better friends and the other had a sibling, up until now we do not have a certain communication. I tried so hard until high school, trying to fit in a circle that is full, changing myself to grab a seat in a table, learning things to talk to empty faces and the worst it thinking its a friend when in fact they're jealous and hated you. Maybe it is because I do not know what is a connection, what type of connection you should have, why kind should you receive and what kind should you give. I actually cannot even decipher what is friendship, is it talking about useless things, is it hanging out, where is it formed or what is the limit? 

Maybe the kids I call friends hated me because I do not know how to treat them, because I think that my friends where my brothers and sisters, funny, thinking it that way when it is so foreign to me. Well as if, nobody taught me anything, not even my parents, I am to stand on my own and teach myself to even do that. 

I am afraid, of what lies ahead. Will this loneliness end?