!!! PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION!!!
TW: S3XUAL ASSAULT, S3XUAL IDEAS, S3LF HARM ATTACHMENT ISSUES, H0MOPHOBIA, R@CISM, TR@NSPHOBIA
!!!Please don't report me it'll actually make me so sad please just comment if you're uncomfortable with the topics I'm publicly discussing this is one of the only places I feel comfortable sharing emotions with others!!!
I think maybe if I was a pretty neurotypical girl with all the right features and knew how to show them off the right way maybe all the boys I'm desperate for would love me but the only one who did saw something beautiful in my trans boyness and that hurts that he was just like me a gay trans boy like me I guess I like the longing more than the real thing I want my Luca
Fuck it sucks to phrase it that way but I don't have any other words than maybe that. Maybe he could fix the broken but no one can and fuck as much as I've been waiting for him heart break heals when you're detached from the person and there IS SO MUCH LAND BETWEEN US And the straight boy who left me is showering in the window I used to watch him from wanting him more than ever but he's gone and fucked with the Republicans that call him slurs and compare us both to monkeys him for his race me for my trans and queerness he left me because he knew I wouldn't survive it and he's RIGHT I DIED. DIED. AT THAT SCHOOL. AND HE'S STILL THERE THEY ARE ALL STILL THERE AND I'M TRYING TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS NEW LOVES NEW CRUSHES AND ITS HOPELESS you think the shared minority the shared hate for the fake fuckers the jokes the bike rides the races maybe I'm romantising him us he wouldn't ever call me Angelo I can see the light from his TV now I promise I'm not being creepy his house is bright and the shadows of what I used to want are dark. I remember drinking blood from the boy that promised girl and kept the femme promise and kept the boy like a secret wanting to keep our "love" a secret but I only loved him because he said yes to me and yes when its with warmth is an impossible no for me. So when he lifted my shirt I was forced to keep quiet in the sake of some queer warmth and all I got was a taste I couldn't get off my body Ivan Axel names carved into my skin because I love boys. I love men unfortunately I seem to be nothing but a little boy with the ugliest parts of my soul in my head I have a cool mustache and a deep voice and muscles and an ear piercing but then I think about my voice at night and the comfort it brings to women. But fuck it I EXIST FOR ME AND NOT ANY ONE ELSE AND IF MY GENDER IS A FUCKING ISSUE fuck you I'm just gonna start telling people it's Angelo I would if I didn't end up with bruises from the people that say they believe in a god that loves put wanna whip their little pricks out and piss on people like me people like the boy in the window I will not name. Because maybe he watches me and misses a friend oh the thought of anyone ever missing me is like cookies out of the oven and a warm hug and stuffed animals that are cuddly. I don't wanna be your [retracted name] I wanna be your cool older cousin who listens to the coolest music I wanna be the cool gay neighbor with the scooter who's unafraid to walk in the daylight I want that boy in the window I want a love I want something that won't hurt a town that won't question a hooded figure playing rap music. Me a white boy but babe what would you have done if it was that pretty boy in the window who's Indonesian and white and harmless but they'd think he's dangerous. I miss him. His Nike shorts the dark blue hoodie talking about who we liked. When it started to be a trans boy he looked at me funny and closed me off. I want you window boy. I wanna be someone's. It's too lonely. Too lonely going to prom alone. I want a boy to love me and dress like a vampire with me and kiss me with glued fangs in his mouth. I want someone who'll be loyal. I use my message board like a diary but sometimes it's the only way I can be honest.
