Existential Me

Chapter 1

As i walked home from the shop, carrier bags in hand i silently judged those walking past and those around me, it was something i always did and i know its not a nice trait to have but i don't care, its not like i made fun of them or said it aloud, i merely noticed the physical flaws each person had such as if someones eyes were too far apart or too close or if someones nose was large. Its not bad things, i don't look at these people and think they are ugly from their appearance because i don't know them therefore i can't judge, that and I'm not the best looking myself but what do i care, i don't live to be beautiful, i don't even know why i live but thats because i personally don't see the point in life or its true meaning. Anyways i got home and emptied the bags like a routine and i collapsed onto my bed. My name is Natalie and this is my story of how i fell in love but I'm going to make this clear its not a love story where its like some rom com movie, i fell in love but my whole life didn't change and i suddenly became a better person its how they gradually showed me things id never seen and opened my mind to positivity because if you haven't noticed I'm a bit pessimistic.

I heard the keys in the door and my roommate Maya came in "Hey, you get the shop?" "yeah, I'm just back" my voice sounded dull as usual "I'm away for a shower" i continued. My life is pretty boring and i know that, the shower was calming but my mind always races in the shower then again my mind is always racing, always thinking and analysing things, be it small aspects of how someone changes around me or slowly begins to drift, i notice small things like that like if someones tone changes towards me ever so slightly or if someone does certain habits that no one else notices, i pick up on them and i don't know why and the thing is i question as to why I'm this way but then again i question everything, why do people exist? etc and this usually ends up with me having an existential crisis which is me staring at my ceiling for a couple of hours questioning life. I wouldn't say I'm a positive person but i can see the good in things its just the negative that i see first, my job is a dead end and i can easily be replaced but the work is easy enough and the co-workers are okay, my mind splits it into two: the bad and the good and in that order. You could kind of say I'm neutral but i sway more to negativity and see the bad things in life.

The alarm on my phone beeped but i was already awake, had been since 4:30, my sleep schedule is horrific. I made myself a coffee and then headed to work. I'm a cleaner in the morning then i work as a waitress in a small cafe down the road although i occasionally fill in for kitchen staff if they don't show up which is too often.  I need the two jobs in order to pay rent and you'd think because i live with someone else it would be easier, thing is we both work two jobs but she works in a bar at night so she gets in late. Work is boring as well, i mostly serve old women and the occasional teenager who comes in to read her book, she's quite friendly and I've seen her recently come in with a boy which is really sweet because it looks like the start of young love but when she gets older its not all cafe dates and kisses. I finished my shift and started walking home, my head hanging down and my back slumped as always, it started to rain but i like the rain so i just put my earphones in ignored the world. The sun was starting to go down and the sky was bleak and clouds painted the sky, just the way i liked it. Cars zoomed by and people walked aimlessly, like lost ghosts in the fields of asphodel trying to find themselves or some shred of who they once were, they all looked like blank minded mannequins in my opinion. Another day gone, a repeat of every other day of my life for the past 3 years, like a cycle going round and round but Maya was in and told me to get dressed up, apparently i was to work the bar with her because her colleague didn't show up, great the last thing i want to do is work in a bar full of drunk idiots and people screaming pretending they're happy and killing brain cells to try and forget their own miserable lives.