Existential Me

Chapter 9

The ocean is cold, very cold. At least at 1am it's cold so I don't advice going for a swim at 1am. It was relaxing though, letting the icy water consume me and its numbing which helps, makes me feel less alone for feeling numb. I don't often go diving into freezing water late at night but I was especially fed up today and figured why the hell not. Everything looks black except for the occasional sparkle from the night sky, this is my happy place, there's no one around and I can actually feel like I can feel the water dragging me with it, I'm part of it and it's awakening me, I can feel again, physically my body is numb but my brain kick started, I'm back.

I dragged myself home and took a hot shower, I could feel my body again. My bed was cold and stiff and I wished it were the ocean but it would do. My alarm went off and I jumped, morning was dull, no work today, no plans today as per usual, time to have the Existential Crisis™.

Life is weird, feelings hurt and I just want to stop thinking, just for a moment I'd like to stop thinking, a moment where the world stops and every one stands still and is silent. A moment to take a breath. Why must we experience things, why must we feel and think and do. Why?. Frankly I'm fed up of it all, I want it all to stop but the only way I know of is suicide which people don't like because that's all that matters right? What other people think and feel and your thoughts and feelings? Why can't people pause and try and empathise, they might not be able to feel how I feel but they could at least try and understand. I sound dramatic but feelings are dramatic, emotions range from up and down and go from extreme low to extreme high. I don't really like feelings, or memories as a matter of fact because they just tend to hurt more than anything.