Existential Me

Chapter 5

Today I witnessed a car crash, I have no idea who the person was and why distracted them and made them crash, all I know is I was walking home from my usual shopping trip and I heard a skid and a crashing sound, I turned the corner to see a car merged with a wall, a young man and woman inside and from what it seemed the man had cracked his skull on the wheel and the female had smacked her head against her car window, both were probably dead from impact, everyone stood around looking horrified or screamed or shocked, a few phoned an ambulance but I stood there my face expressionless. I held the bags in my hand and stared upon the scene, it felt like it wasn't real like I was simply in a movie or a dream but it was no dream, the ambulances siren was ringing loudly but to me it sounded dull. Life is a funny thing it comes and goes so easily, I wonder what they thought of in their last moments or if they were simply too scared to think, I think of how they may have reacted or if it was quick or if to them it felt like a lifetime, I will never know for I am not them and I did not experience their fatal accident. The man and woman was taken from the car by the ambulance and from the paramedics reaction it appeared they did not live. Was is sheer stupidity that they crashed? Was it planned? Or was it simply fate, I guess no one knows but these are the things I think in situations, I should mourn their deaths as it is a sad occasion but I did not know them, they had no relevance to me and so why should I? Life takes so many each day and one could not simply mourn for each individual so I suppose me must learn to enjoy what we do have for it may not last very long.

I often think these kinds of things, I don't mean to it's just how my brain works I guess, what if I were to die? Would I be missed or would I just be another gone, I know I sound heartless but I can't help it, I would feel sad if someone I knew and cared about died for I have grown attachment to them but I don't see why I should mourn the death of someone I never knew, I guess that's what's seen as the social normality. I probably sound like a hipster but again it is literally how I think and if that makes me sound like a hipster so be it, I do think normally i don't think of myself as "different" or as though I'm not socially accepted because I am, I'm quite a boring person if you actually meet me but in my mind I think a lot and get lost a lot and I disappear, there are good and bad qualities of this, for one I can relax myself and think a lot about things that interest me on the other hand it can get scary and dark. I'd like to know if there are others who think the way I do so I don't feel as though I'm the only one because there are 7 billion people in the world there is no way I'm the only one.