The thoughts I own

When all of it started...

I never thought of what I was going to become after all of this. I never really had the chance to think about it, but it doesn't matter. What really matters right now is how I feel at the exact moment. I always tend to keep my feelings deep inside of me and doing this was a terrible mistake. I became a monster, my own monster. I was afraid to stay alone at night because of what I could've done to myself. I don't think anyone can understand how addicted I was to self-destruction. It's like an escape, a way to live that you keep on ''low profile'' for your safety.

Now, I'm sure you probably think about the other people safety? My answer is simple: I was never really outside, maybe just to get food and stuck I needed to continue my self-destructive life, how I enjoyed it. I kept all my problems to myself and I was on social medias helping others. Because I never wanted to see anyone doing the same things as me. I still never want to see someone doing all of this.

I remember the day where all of this started, the 13th of july 2013. The day where everything changed. The day when the colors I was seeing in the world turned to gray. The day where it was enough, I couldn't take it anymore. Those stupid things they were saying to me, those voices in my head. It's hard to admit, but this voice was the result of all the insults I was getting from some people that I used to love, my own family.

I was getting ready for a concert, a concert I payed all by myself, I always loved music. Music is like, the reason why I'm still alive after all those years. I was actually getting ready to go see one of my favorite band, you know a band people qualify as ''emo''? That kind of band was and still is my thing. I was getting ready, I knew it was going to be one of the best days of my life, and it's still one of the best thing i've ever experienced. Before I went there, something bad happened, I don't think they knew how hurt I was by all those words they were saying. I just kept looking at them, with a blank face, pretending not to care, pretending that my heart was made of iron. Pretending that nothing was going to hurt me ever.

''I regret knowing you Mary, you don't care about anyone else but yourself. You never ask us what we're doing and you keep going to those places with your friends! You keep going to your mom's even if you know she's a bitch with me? You're stupid and I hope you'll be sad for all this concert, I don't want you to enjoy it, don't even talk to me about the show when you'll come home again. You're pathetic and you'll never achieve what you want in life, I assure you that. You will never get to sing, because you're not likable, and also, because my daugther didn't, so I guess it'll not work for you, since she's better than you. By the way, I told you to do the dishes a milion times and you didn't!'' My step mother said, yelling at me and looking at me with rage in her eyes.

''Go fuck yourself, you're just my fucking step mother, and you know I couldn't do the dishes today, I was getting prepared for a show, don't ever talk to my mom like that, fuck you!'' I said, with my eyes watering.

At that moment, I went outside crying, when you know someone for months and they just want you to feel bad about yourself, it's hard to live in a house with that person, but I needed to stay, because the school I went to was the first school where I was accepted for who I am, and It made me so happy. I was shaking at that point, I remember screaming because I felt so angry I needed to let everything out. I guess it's normal. At that point, if it would've been just that, I think nothing of this would've happened, but then, my dad went outside.

''Do you understand what respect means Mary? You told my girlfriend to go fuck herself? What's your problem with her? You're the reason why It never worked for me with all my girlfriends, you can't support them and what they're saying to you, you have a problem, you need to consult, you need to do something about this, you need serious help.'' My dad said angry of what I just said.

''I NEED HELP? I'm pretty sure that SHE needs help, have you fucking heard what she said to me? You think I was disrespectful? Have you heard what she said? You didn't because you were upstairs dad. You believe her because of what? Because you want her to like you? Well, one day you're gonna lose me if you stay with her, one day that's what is going to happen dad.''

I left, crying and I walked over to my friend's to go to the show. What else I could've done? I never told my friends about those problems, I never wanted to told them about all of this because it's not their problem if I was living something hard at that moment. The thing is, the more I was walking, the more I was thinking about all the self harm pictures of was seeing. All those people saying it was helping them feeling better. At that moment, I was convinced it was the right thing to do. I wanted to cut myself right after the concert.

And after that, everything went like a downhill...