The thoughts I own

Creativity

I don't define the world like everyone else, probably because of my creativity. For me, death is represented with colors and being alive is represented with black and darkness. Not because i'm still depressed, but because darkness is my home, this is where I feel comfortable. Living should be comfortable and so, the color I am comfortable with is how I live. Death is something humanity in general are uncomfortable with and so, to represent death, I chose colors that I am not familiar with. I am not familiar with bright colors, those type of colors is not my thing and this is not the number one thing i'm gonna use for an art project or any other things. 

This is who I am, a girl with a different vision of the world than a lot of people. I honestly don't care how much of a different person I am. Being who I am now is better than who I was months ago. The fact that my creativity is what helped me going through a lot of things makes my life even more meaningful. I hate meaningless things, maybe that's the reason why I went through a lot, it gives a meaning to everything, to my life. 

Okay, I have to admit that my life had a meaning even before I started being depressed. I always wanted to sing, I always wanted to inspire people around me. This is how I wanna live my life and I don't think i'm going to be able to move on and do something else than sing. My life revolves around that dream of being a singer, I can't just let go.  So, my life had a meaning since I was born and I believe in destiny, I hope this is mine. 

The thing is, I'm scared that one day, I'm going to wake up being 50 years old and realize I have never accomplished what I wanted to accomplish. This is my biggest fear, failing. You know, I'm not that type of person who gives a fuck about a lot of things, but when something is important to me, I give to many fucks I guess. 

When I see people not taking life seriously I don't really get it. I mean, yeah life should be fun, but you need a goal, you need to find what your life means. There's a reason why you're here, and I think that as long as you don't achieve that goal you're always gonna feel like something is missing. When you achieve your goal, now, you can have fun and live without caring of what's coming. This is how I think life should be lived, but there's so many people who just don't have any goals, it's sad. Even when I had that depression, I had a goal, that's what made me feel better. 

Even when I was depressed, I never wanted to die. When I was suicidal, I didn't really wanted to die. Honestly, the only thing I really wanted was to live my dream and finally feeling what happiness was.

To be quite honest with you, everyone says to me that I look confident, even when I was in that period of my life where I was seeing life as that thing that was ugly...people thought I was confident.  It's a little true though, I always knew I was pretty I mean...I'm blonde with blue eyes and i'm tall. Who I am physically shows confidence and attractiveness. I always knew that, I know that since when I was born, i'm glad to have all those features but...I never really wanted people to love me because of this. I wanted someone to love me for my personality. So yeah, I looked confident if I wasn't talking, It was like a projection of what I wasn't. People were looking at me like I was that unreachable person, when in reality when I started talking to those people they were realizing how fragile I was. Some took that chance to take advantage of me, I swear to god, not sexually, I promise. More like, using me because I wanted people to love me.  

It happened that I was so desperate to have friends and someone to love me that I was doing their homework, their projects or anything they asked me to do for them. A girl actually asked me if I wanted to do her final homework one day on facebook, she wanted to pay me 15$ for it. That's when I realized it wasn't okay, I said no. I realized that people were using me, and it made me really sad. 

That feeling is one of the worst thing ever, because I was so nice with everyone and all they wanted from me was this. The fact that I wanted them to love me gave them the chance to make me do literally everything they wanted me to do, I was like, the girl of that gang who was there just because they knew they could use me for their grades.

They all passed and graduated that year, I didn't. 

So again, being with no friends again, I used my creativity to feel a little better inside. I was writing at least two songs a day, I was writing a lot of stories, I was writing down ideas and I was drawing a lot of things. Painting, creating, thinking, filming videos..

Everything that was creative was an escape, it was better being addicted to those things than all those self-destructive things, so I was alright with that. I think that, this is what that saved me from any other addictions; creativity. 

In other words, without my passion for all of those things, I would've probably relapse again and just thinking about it makes it scary. I never really deserved all that shit in my life, and it happened. I still think that those years of my life was really sad, and I hope that i'm not gonna live that sadness again. It was a terrible thing, a terrible feeling, a nightmare. 

All I can say now is that; I'm glad art exists.