The thoughts I own

Happiness

Honestly, the only thing that made me happy during that time wasn't really being drunk or anything like that and I realized it later. What made me really happy was all my dreams, all the things that gave me hope every single day. You know, even though we sometimes say that we're not good enough, there's always a part of ourselves who still believes that we can do it. That part of me fueled me with energy to continue living my life. It was like, the thing that kept me sane, and i'm glad that I had that thing, that strenght. 

There's that song that I was always listening to, a depressing song, however, the song that was giving me hope. I think we all have that song, that brings emotions and that make you feel invicible every single time. My song was ''The funeral'' by Band of Horses. 

''I'm coming up only to hold you under, I'm coming up only to show you wrong and to know you is hard we wonder to know you all wrong we were. Really too late to call, so we wait for morning to wake you. That's all we got to know me as hardly golden, Is to know me all wrong, they were. At every occasion I'll be ready for the funeral. Every occasion, once more, it's called the funeral. Every occasion, know I'm ready for the funeral. At every occasion, oh, one billion day funeral. I'm coming up only to show you down for, I'm coming up only to show you wrong. To the outside the dead leaves, they're on the lawn, before they died, had trees to hang their hope. And every occasion I'll be ready for the funeral. And every occasion once more It's called the funeral. And every occasion Oh, I'm ready for the funeral. Every occasion of one billion day funeral. I'm coming up only to pull you under, I'm coming up only to show you wrong. To know you is hard we wonder, to know you all wrong we were. Its really to late to call so we wait for morning to wake you is all we got. And to know me as hardly golden as to know me all wrong they were. At every occasion I'll be ready for the funeral. At every occasion once more called the funeral. At every occasion I'll be ready for for the funeral. At every occasion oh one brilliant day funeral. I'm coming up only to show you down for, I'm coming up only to show you wrong. To the outside the dead leaves they're on the lawn, for they don't have trees to hang their own.

At every occasion I'll be ready for the funeral
At every occasion once more called the funeral
At every occasion I'll be ready for the funeral
At every occasion oh one brilliant day funeral''

 

That song, was playing in my head every single day, the voices in my head were slowly giving up on making me sad. Eveything was fine, except for one thing, I still was really addicted to self destruction. It was a reflex, every single time I was feeling sad, I was doing things that wasn't good for me, and I loved it, I loved my new life. I slowly realized that when I wasn't sober, I was more creative, I wasn't scared to create whatever I was creating, there was no restrictions on my creativity and I enjoyed that a lot. 

''I feel my heart breaking into a million pieces. When I hear voices telling me to relapse again. Is there an answer for all the things they try to make me believe? I'm just a human, i've got feelings, is it too hard to understand what it means? I'm just a girl, i'm trying to live, Is it too hard to get what it means?

All the things you can say makes all my walls disappear around me. I feel so lost, can someone help me cause I can't deal with this anymore. I hope someday everyone will be able to see all the things you say can ruin my heart, but I will never give up.