There are so many scars

SO BASICALLY I HAVE NO IDEA OF WHAT I'M DOING...

SO BASICALLY I HAVE NO IDEA OF WHAT I'M DOING

I mean I've been here quite a long time or maybe is short depending on your focus on this, I mean 14 years are long if you say that you've been in prison for that long or not so negatively talking if you say that you've been living in the same place for 14 years but when it comes to age, people have a different focus saying that you aren't really that old and it's true comparing your age to being in your 40's those 26 really make a difference in someone's experience in life I think or at least that is what people say but I've always been told that I wasn't and am not a normal kid and is not that "you are really special honey" sermon your mom gives you little freak to try and explain why you have no friends, it's just that ever since I'm liitle I've always acted older than my age ,it is actually hard to put in words those feelings but I'll do my best , so picture me being I don't know maybe 5 years old and going into a playground and as a little kid making friends is as easy as asking your parents for a candy but as you grow up so do insecurities inside yourself pushed by society's quick ability to judge but this isn't my point now; so you go in and start making some friends your age  or so and you play with them but instead what I did was to go in and make friends but not my age I mean I would avoid at all costs little kids that were smaller than me or even some of my age because I thought they were dumb or putting it on "kind" words not smart enough but yeah I did make friend but I would play with kids 9 or 10 years old which is the double of my age and that certainly impressed a lot of people because of the fact that I would actually get along with those kids as if I was that age too.

Another thing that helped everybody that got to meet me back then develope the theory of me being different is that I was very smart I learned to read on my own when I was 4 and  I started speaking when I was about to turn 1 year old but certainly my way of speaking was a bit umm... different I  disconcerted so many people everyone that heard me talking thought that I talked as a grown up not as a little kid an that is still happening now, a few months ago I was having dinner and I overheard a conversation that my mom was having with the lady that cleaned the house back then and they were talking about my little sister she is 8 years and she has had a lot of mental issues not like she is mad but no one knows what it is yet : when she was a baby she could cry all day non-stop and she would be having  a crisis which included her hitting herself with stuff and running into doors and walls just to harm her head or body and if anyone tried and hold her she would hit, bit, kick and everything it would take for that person to finally let her go, so yeah now it isn't a lot better but she only hits herself once in a while but she does has some crisis which are really scary still but the problem is that after all the therapies she had and I had it doesn't seem to get any better I mean not one of the many psychologists that have seen and treated her knows what is wrong with her but I have my own theory which is not moment to share now. But as I said she is 8 but it doesn't really takes that much to notice something is wrong with her despite the things I said about her crisis, as I said she doesn't act like if she was 8 she acts much younger and that is what my mother and the lady were talking about and I remember that as listening I was guessing te age she acted like and my guess was 5 years old and as I thought that , the lady said that she was not mature enough for her age and then my mother started talking about how her grades are really low compared to mine and how much effort she was putting to school and it didn't seem to help and then she started saying that I didn't even cared about my grades and still I had good grades that were not less than 90's and my sister got 70's and 80's putting all of her effort on it and then started complaining about me and I really got mad I mean wouldn't you get mad? why did she had to bring me into those conversations about my sister ?soI went up to them and said that it wasn't my fault that I was actually smart and the lady said that the time that she had met me she felt like I talked like a women that had lived a life full of disappointments and that I was really mature for my age and that I was really smart , but to be honest she was not the first person to say that to me, everyone thought that of me and if they did not straightly said it to me they would to my mother or someone but sometimes I do feel really older and is a bless I guess I am really smart and after all I've been through I recently realized how of a determined of person I am, I recently found one of my old notebooks(ever since I can write I keep buying and buying notebooks and notepads and I fill them with thoughts, quotes, poems, stories etc,etc) and found a list of things that I wanted to get back then and the moment I started reading it I realized that everything that was on that list I had and then decided to make a new  list because I've notice everything I want sooner or later I would get and it is such a bless having the power to do that.