There are so many scars

Becoming a scar

Present is a present from life

I don't really know what to say,there are so many things that have left a mark I mean there are so many marks that are tired of bleeding, and that is why they decided to become a scar

Ø The cheating: my mom is so in love with him but she has to let go, the problem is that she feels like she is nothing without him she is always talking about how a women has to have love for herself and I think that is exactly what she is missing tho she doesn't gets it. I'm tired of their discussions but what I'm tired the most of is to pretend that we are a family and that everything is okay but we are not even close to being a family and they've got to accept that we are never going to be one I mean I've done it and it help me realize that the best thing that could possibly happen to us is divorce.

Ø The pretending: everyone acts around you like if they were your friends when they need you but what about you and when you need them? To this point of life I don't go a day without saying "i hate people" "ughh people" "and you still can't get why I don't like people" at least 4 times each I swear. I've realized that I don't have true friends, well yeah I think I do have one but I don't get to see him that much only like once a year if I'm lucky. And all the others just used me or at least that is how it feels. I said I have fun at school and I do but I feel like my so called friends just use me to have fun like just to laugh(I'm really funny but I don't pretend to I'm just me) but they don't really care about me or if I have a problem that is why now I just pretend like I'm happy all the time but I'm not I can't remember the last time I felt happy, because it is not the same having fun and being actually happy, and the fact that I laugh or smile doesn't means that I am happy. And even if i don't want to admit it I'm not ok and I'm tired of faking my happiness. But I'm okay with not feeling happy now, I mean I've been feeling down and sad for so many time that I feel like I wouldn't know if I was actually feeling something if I felt happy at least for now it doesn't seems like an option.

Ø 3 words 8 letters : something that I am never forgetting because of the impact it made on me , it made me realize how many problems I have and it forced me to grow a lot in a short amount of time was actually a person which I hate remembering but here it goes, he was my first kiss and everything seemed so perfect back then he was romantic he liked me and I did too so then we kissed but the thing is that we said 3 words in total 8 letters that I'm so scared of hearing, reading, and saying now it is so hard for me to even think of them and maybe it is because back then when I said them I didn't know what they meant and how strong they are I can't even say them to my family any more and what I think that is worse is the fact that I don't really feel the need to say them to anyone like I don't feel that way about anyone neither me.

Ø Repercutions : so when I was feeling down which was most of the time actually it is still most of it there was only one thing that got me feeling better and that was talking to a person that today I no longer talk to but that person was able to make me smile just by looking at her/him but now things've change you know as I said before shit happens so yeah and then later we stopped talking I started holding my pain and the I started releasing it as I released my blood out of my fucking veins and people think that we cut because of attention like if that is what we wanted but they do not get how wrong they are, people just want to end their pain and they found something to do that, for me at least whenever I runned the knive or whatever I was using in that moment through my wrist I felt pain, physical pain which is a normal response to harm but what I liked about cutting is that it made me forget my mental pain by replacing it with physical pain and something that might or might not sound creepy depending on what type of person you are is that whenever I saw blood I smiled and for an instance I felt good and released like there wasn't any bad shit going on in my life so I kept on doing it because it lasted short seconds because my mental pain was way bigger than the one caused by a knife or a deep cut, everyone has different reasons some may sound stupid or superficial to one while to the other is the mos important fucking thing in the whole world so here is a tip if you ever find out someone you know is self-harming don't be a fucking wanker and say that the reasons they have are not enough for what they are doing because maybe it is true but they do not know it and you are no one to tell them that it is stupid because you don't fucking know how it actually makes them feel, everyone is different and has different reactions to different situations so just don't judge and do whatever it takes to help them without judging.

Ø Judgement: so the reason that I finally told my parents I cutted myself was because they were shouting at me for I can't remember what reason that time and saying that I had everything I needed and more than I deserved and the only thought going through my mind meanwhile was : "I fucking have nothing how can I have everthing" so you know there's this breaking line for everyone and they've got to mine so I finally exploded and said it and the first thing that my mother did as the fucking person she is was judging it jus amazing how short it takes for someone to start doing it like now-a-days people have this shitty ability to do it so quick and as long as you are a person you have that ability too and yeah she started yelling at me that the only thing I wanted was attention and that I was fucking making that maybe because of some fuck boy who I liked but he didn't liked me back and she wasn't even close to it, then my father told her to leave the room and leave us alone if she wasn't going to be helping or if she couldn't understand it and in that moment I started realizing who was the mosts comprehensive towards me and it was him, so as time goes on and as I started taking some shit medication to feel better which didn't help because I fucking felt the same shit, she can't understand it yet and that is not the important thing but the fact that she keeps judging me for that.I went to therapy and just talked about everything and then they decided I was ready to stop going but my sister needs to keep going.

Ø No control: I certainly have so little control on my feelings after all that time I spended in therapy and having shitty medication that didn't fucking worked it really takes so little for me to implode, i just start feeling so down and don't show it is the worst feeling I'm not even sure if it is only one feeling, or for me to explode, I start yelling at people and there is so much anger and that is the only thing runnig through my veins and there is actually no reason I mean I use something someone said or did to me just to let my demons out, but no matter how much I try they keep coming out and they are still here inside all those fucked up thoughts and to be honest suicide is such a great option sometimes but i'm not that brave I guess.

Ø Mental issues: not only mine but my sister's. She is certainly just sick , but I think I'm worse than her because I talk alone not like I hear voices or anything but at nighttime or daytime it doesn't matter,  I talk to me like a lot like if I was talkiing to another person and sometimes I think I'm sick and mad and no one gets it.