There are so many scars

The past does matters.

"The past should stay there but it sometimes doesn't, sometimes it decides it wants to ruin or affect your present too."

So now my past, ever since I can remember my parents had have a lot of problems because of the same reason , my father has cheated on my mom so many times I'm note even sure of how many times he has done that, but when my mom was pregnant with my sister she caught my father in the bathroom talking on the phone with his "mistress" and the next thing she knew is that my father pushed her away and she fell down . In that time where my mom was pregnant she really had a lot of problems with my faher and she would be switching moods between angry and sad so I think that those feeling and the constant crying affected the baby growing in her as well so that my sister was born with I think some sort of type of bipolarity , she not long ago used to switch moods in a way that reminded me of  my mother but she ,my sister ,would go from happiness to angry and then sad and the angry again so that is my theory about that.

My parents are still together so you can tell that if my mother has forgiven (let's call it that way), all of my father's umm mistakes then you can tell that she really really loves him and I think it is not mutual I mean by being with them for a while you can tell my mom literally adores him and my father doesn't feels that way about her. So let's say that in front of us there is a big red wall and then my father says it actually seems pink and small and by saying that he automatically just changed my mom's opinion about that big red wall into thinking it is actually small and pink , yeah that shows how it works here, whatever my father says is  right, then for my mother it seems right,although it actually makes no sense to other people but hey that is what my father said.

A few days ago I found an old laptop of my father and started looking at the pictures and I found photos of some women, and told my mom and then she told me that on my father's phone he found pictures of a lady too and we came to the conclusión that it was the same one so it may be that he has done it again and I'm personally not surprised neither affected by that I mean I think that my father is just not a one-women men and he is just not going to change but my mother just refuses to see the truth she says that she is still with him for us (my sister and I ) so that we don't have to grow up without a father like she did , because his father had a terrible accident and he wasn't able to move from the same bed for 9 years till he died and he couldn't recognize anyone either but the thing here is that I am not going to loose my father, but what she is really afraid of is loosing him but not for us for her and she is using us as an excuse for her and an explanation for whoever asks about it , but I am certainly tired of having to live like this. I think that the divorce is actually the best option but my mom has also other excuse which is my sister which reaaally loves my dad I mean I do too I guess but she reaally shows it and just I don't know the best option for everyone is the divorce and my mother says that my dad doesn't know how to be alone because he has been alone his whole life because he was umm just like my sister a bit problematic and hyperactive (but unlike my sister he did got good grades) and my father's mom would tie him in a chair so he wouldn't be a problem but as he grew up he just sort of couldn't stand him so he sent him to a seminary and then when he was older he quickly got out of there and went straight to the army so he basically grew up on his own so that was his excuse for his cheating on my mom because he said he couldn't stand to be alone so that is what my mother tells me, that if they divorce I would have no father and that he would built another family as quick as he can which I don't really think is going to happen but yeah that is her excuse. I think that if they divorced it would be really healthy for everyone , I mean my father could visit more his family because now he just sees his mother once or twice a year if he is lucky because his mother since she met my mother has hated her and treated her really um rude for what I've been told and I wasn't able to meet her because she didn't wanted to but last holidays she was willing to meet us and yeah so I did went to her house and met her but my sister preferred staying with my mom and her family but I wanted to giver her a chance after all she is really sick and some people do deserve a second chance so I met her and I liked her and spend 1 week with just my dad and her and my cousin which was really great to be honest , so my father would be able to visit his family and I would obviously go live with him rather than with my mom because there are a hell of lots of mixed up feelings for my parents but I think my father has been the most comprehensive and sensitive towards me and I would go living with him and I think my sister would stay with my mother I mean that is the most logical thing to do because she really needs a lot of fucking therapy and my dad is working most of the time and he would not be able to taker her to every class and therapy that she actually needs and I certainly know how to take care of myself on my own so I would be just fine with being alone but I can't really control my sister and if she lived with me and my dad she would have to stay all day with me and I can't control her and I can't stay a lot of time with her without us trying to kill each other we don't really get along that well so I don't think that would be the best idea plus my mother told me that in case of a divorce I was totally going to be free to choose where and who to live with and she would be totally fine with me living with my father so I would choose living with him .

I think it would be the best , lately I don't enjoy time with my mother either because I swear to God she is so unfair with me , she is always comparing me to my sister and also sort of blaming me for not needing to study to get a good grade and for everything my sister does, if she is being mean to me then it is my fault because I teached her to be that way so basicaly it is my fault you know is not like I cry every night over all of my fucking problems I mean not anymore I'm just tired of everything and everyone I mean at first it was pretty hard but shit happens and that same shit makes you change and as time goes and life keeps putting you through the same bullshit you get tired instead of crying.