I've been painted with blood so many times from my own hands and others.I try to find healthy ways to cope even after years of being told it's just phase I still fall back.Now that I really think about it I haven't seen any full years without cutting after ages 11/12 there's always a set back just depends when I get pushed so far to that point.At that point there isn't anymore healthy coping skill you think just have a drink just have a smoke what if that's not enough cause usually I'm already doing that to withstand cutting which isn't healthy but it gets the job done half the time.I don't got money for therapy every week I can't go the people around me when half of them contributed their own special part in traumatizing me growing up.Like let's be so for real once I boil over I'm in the wrong but the only person I'm looking to hurt is myself instead of others the people around me when they hurt they have to hurt someone other then themselves.I take shit out on myself.The people I talked to when I was younger know barely skin deep of the shit I took because I would isolate myself because I was seen as the weird fucked up teenager no I was more developed because I had to grow the fuck up early to stay alive I barely mentally functioned before CPS because I was trying to heal from my father's abuse and raping me after CPS I fully don't mentally function at times because they didn't help and it is genuinely so scary to me.I have been abused neglected not listened to and for me it's normal.So this isn't just self harm physically but thinking to much is also mentally self harming myself and the only time I stop thinking is when I dissociate.Sleeping doesn't help I have nightmares I wake up in sweats.So have I thought about harming myself maybe.
