Nothing fucking changes.I change I change everyday they never change.Im giving all of me mentally physically and spiritually.You get mad at me for denying god was he there when I got raped by my father nope.Was he there when I was kidnapped by a random and raped yet again nope not one sign he there.Everytime I have asked for a sign I get absolutely nothing.So yes it is easy for me to not be concerned about what God has to think of me or the so called control he has in my life.I was raised in Christianity and I learned that having faith is good for people who only get good things EASILY everything is fucked for people like me cause I have to STRESS to have a few good things in my life.I always stay up wondering how to make people see the good in me when I'm just destroyed from the inside out.I have scars on the outside and ugly cuts on the inside I have had my life switched around sliced n diced and chopped up for the wolves around me to eat up.I spend everyday wondering why it physically hurts to just live to smile to be happy.Everyday feels like I'm just closer to death I don't feel my health getting good since quitting popping pills I have had alot of regrowth and I'm still working on myself everyday especially since I don't have to go to a trap house all I got to do is have 3$ for cold meds.I have been sober for 2 almost 3 years and the only thing that I have to live for is the fact I even recovered as much as I have without any help.Do I wish I was dead?I don't know. Do I wish the drugs just took me?I don't know.Do I wish to go back?Yeah sometimes I do because that's what being a addict is you take a substance to handle the weight of being alive.I affected people though people I love and care alot about.Nobody sees me cry like how I used to all the time I stopped crying to others I stopped begging for help and just listened to my own cries for help when I feel like I could deal with myself for one damn day.A few tears slip out almost everyday but no one notices it's just watery eyes cause I'm not gonna deal with fake care for it to get thrown in my face later.So if u were to ask me if I was doing better I'll tell you yes but the truth is yeah I'm fine from other things but the weight of dealing with myself has become a living hell.I'm to much for others but imagine being to much for you to hate you.Step in my shoes.
