Tattooed Heart

Its not over

After a minute or two of my playing with my fingers that were sluggishly places in my lap & letting the conversation play over & over again in my head, I felt a strong hand collide with my broad shoulder dragging me from my self pity & causing me to jolt upwards from my comfortable spot on the old arm chair in our small living room. I calmed down once I remembered I wasn't alone yet got all too sad realizing how wrong that statement felt in my heart.

"Hey bud. How ya holdin up?" Darian asked as I felt a dip in the arm of the chair I was currently sulking in & pleading eyes attracted to my probably pathetic looking form. "Honestly not fucking good." I spit back too aggressively for my taste & immediately regretted it but when I forced my head up & locked eyes with my shyly smiling friend I knew he didn't take it that way at all. "Yeah I kinda heard from my room. I'm sorry."

Here's the only person that ever had my back apologizing for me being an idiot, I better make a mental note to never let this guy go. "Don't worry about it man I... Wait." I slowed my confession as I finally took a moment to take in what my friend was wearing. Something completely different than the last time I saw him, apparently he picked up on my silent realization when his eyebrow raised & his signature smirk became present.

"HA! Oh this old thing? Ya like it?" he continued just as playfully as ever, making me even more confused. "I thought you said you didn't have plans today after that client backed out last minute again? & I thought you were sleeping earlier? Where are you going? & why the fuck do you keep fucking smiling at me like that? It's weird. & why is your hand still on my shoulder?" I blurted out in one burst of air practically leaving me dizzy. "Ok first of all you're right i didn't have plans, second what part of me drinking your coffee did you not understand? I'm not sleeping for the next month so let's just get that out of the way now. And I'm smiling because you think this is fucking over, oh & the hand is only there because it makes you uncomfortable." With a tight squeeze & a light laugh his touch was gone yet the confused expression on my face wasn't.

"What's fucking over?" I asked hoping he'd enlighten me to what the hell he was referring to. "This. Her. It's not over." now I was really confused. But I kept our eye contact strong raising an eyebrow back to try to get him to continue without necessarily asking him to. "This girl came into your life & won't leave your head for a reason. This must be special I can see it in your eyes, & I'm not letting you let this go. It's not over."

"It's not over" bounced around in my confused skull until it finally stuck. This didn't have to be over. I can still fight, hell I don't even know this guy & I guarantee he's not that special for her to not even mention him before. I could feel a rush of hope flood my body leaving me in goosebumps & a sparkle in my eyes. "YOURE RIGHT!" I blurted back smacking my hand HARD against the cluttered coffee table & earning a wide grin from me eager best friend.

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Less than an hour later me & my angel of a best friend found ourselves entering a dark club smelling so strongly of sweat & alcohol that I almost had to take a seat to catch my breathe. The dim lighting made it hard to see & the blaring music didn't leave much space to get my thoughts in order either. Not as if it could even compete with the pounding in my chest as my eyes scanned the large room. Shades of blues, reds, greens, yellows, and purples pumped off of the black walls, a sea of moving adults in front of me making me increasingly more dizzy.

When I felt a hand grab onto my arm it made my pulse spike up but when I realized it was the same hand that held my shoulder for the whole journey it just as quickly came back down to its already erratic pace. "Ok buddy this is it, I know you're ready & you do too so go get her!" Darian yelled directly into my face yet I still only knew what he was saying because my eyes had adjusted enough to read his lips. "Thanks. You really didn't have to come but if we're being honest I'm so glad you did, but I got this. Now you go have fun! I promise if I need you I'll call." before either of us could repeat our conversations about how he'll always be there for me & this is the least he could do & how he didn't have anything else to do anyway, leaving me to smile shyly & thank him anyway the room stopped.

The dancing slowed, the music turned from endless harsh thumping to a buzzing in my ear. My hands clenched in my pockets where they were still hiding in & my jaw suddenly allowed a gapping hole to open on my face by practically dropping to the floor. The room seemingly filled with hundreds of carefree people releasing the troubles of reality began to vanish one by one. It was quick but my god it was everything I never knew I needed.

And just like that she was gone.